28 Going on 29

My twenty eighth was not my happiest, greatest year, to be honest. I am in a place and time in my life when it's very difficult to find purpose in living, and motivation to keep going. Life's roadblocks were constant, bigger and seemed impossible to get past. It didn't help that the positivity and courage I was blessed with in my 27th year was nowhere to be found. All gone, I guess. Maybe, my luck has ran out.

I could still list down the things I am thankful for--family, friends, material blessings--but even that process I start to question the benefit of.

Ever since I can remember, I've always figured out what I want out of life. Advance mag-isip, as we jokingly say in Filipino. But somehow I am starting doubt my findings and, eventually, my methods of getting to these conclusions.

The highs of my life have so far been measured by professional successes, rarely personal ones. At the end of 2017, I knew that it would be a long way to go before my next professional milestone. That alone, made this year, my 28th, a tough one. It's as if I am in third year law school all over again. Both the starting point and the goal seem too far to go back or to move forward to. 

Changing the metrics of success seems the only right way to go. I tried investing more in my personal life. But that, to summarize, had been a bust. To put it simply, all my paper planes went unreturned. I am nowhere near I want to be, despite my 110 percent effort. Is it time to reevaluate my methods again?

In the past year, I also felt that, despite my age and what lies ahead, I am running out of time. I am  too old to make mistakes acceptable, yet too young to be immune to bouts of stupidity and immaturity.

The world turns, the world takes, regardless if I am ready for it.

Even though it sounds too cliche-ic and corny, I only have one goal in life: To be happy. I thought I had it planned out. But the past year has taught me, in the most painful of ways, that I am still unprepared for it. That my plan was faulty. That happiness is not as simple or as accessible as it may seem two years ago. That, lo and behold, I cannot expect everyone to behave as I hoped they would. That things that can go wrong, will.

So what's next for me? With the way things are going (or not going, to be accurate), I expect another year of goals not being met (yet), and of being too far in the game to quit. Another year of "hindi ako malungkot pero hindi rin ako masaya."

Can I survive the coming year, my last as a twenty-something being just this. I think so; there are worse fates, I'm sure.

Admittedly, the more difficult question I have to find an answer to is, How to survive. And I am still looking for the right answer--months after I first thought of this question.

If you get leads or tips or a fairly decent guess, let me know. I am dying to find answers. 

Happy birthday to me.