2019

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2018.

Ha Long Bay sunset on my 30th birthday

LOWS:

For this year, I will start with the lows because that's what the first half of 2019 was full of. I didn't feel so great. I was at a low point health-wise--both physically and mentally.

1. One of 2018's highs gradually became a contributing factor to making the early part of 2019, in no better terms, suck. Work started feeling like work and stopped being a source of inspiration and purpose. It maybe too cliche-ic or even naive for some, but I discovered that I need to find joy and pride in the work I do for me to continue doing it. That disappointment with my professional life (which is, unfortunately, where I used to get most satisfaction from) trickled on to my personal life. And everything sucked.

It was extremely heartbreaking to turn my back to a person I look up to and love working for, and people I enjoyed working with, but sometimes grown-up decisions had to be made.

This grown-up decision led me to one of two lessons 2019 taught me: Know when to leave and know when to stay. It was, to put it in simplest terms, time for me to leave that job and move on to other things, for my own sanity and wellbeing.

May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you're planting for 2020.

2. Another factor that contributed to the overall meh feeling of early 2019 was finally realizing that the paper planes thing really hurt, and that I was greatly affected by it more than I let on. As I reflected on later, I realized that I should've mourned it properly rather than just grinning and bearing it. Grief from that loss finally caught on to me in the early part of 2019, and left me tired.


HIGHS:

1. My 45-day sanity break. The entire July and first half of August found me in-between jobs. It was a perfect time to rest, reflect and recharge. And I did all this by travelling thrice in a span of 45 days. First, to Taiwan, with friends who were also, by a stroke of luck (haha), unemployed. Second, to La Union, again with friends whose company I am most comfortable in. Third, to Iloilo, a friend's hometown to celebrate her birthday. All these trips, although seemingly tiring, left me well-rested. By the time mid-August rolled in, I was ready to go to work again. At a new, old environment this time.

Iloilo wonders.

This 45-day sanity break was much needed and much appreciated. Not only were my friendships strengthened with the people I traveled with, but I gained a new favorite City in Taipei! I just wish it wasn't so hot and humid (in the morning) and wet (in the evening) when we visited. But the people (both the Taiwanese and the friends I went with) more than made up for the crazy, Manila-like weather.

Dark and hazy: My kind of Taipei 101.

2. A new workplace and a new outlook towards work. Before, I used to approach work as somewhere I can build close relationships with--like a family--but I learned that the reverse of such (i.e. office mates are just office mates, and not friends or family) is not a bad thing, or something to lose sleep over. Approaching work with no other mindset but to just do a job changes a lot. At first, it seemed counterproductive and impersonal but as months go on, I am convinced it is the way to go. I am more focused on what I am doing and getting better at it. I think this new outlook will make the chances of me staying in a workplace longer, better.

The most quiet and calmest spot in all of Iloilo City, imho.

3. A better outlook towards my career. I've always had a goal every year, career-wise, ever since I figured out that I want to be a lawyer, and later, a judge. And every year, I have accomplished them. However, since I am still far off from becoming eligible to be a judge, this year and the next few years are challenging for the simple fact that I hate waiting and not moving. 2019 taught me (through conversations with friends) that there is absolutely no need to rush, and we are where we are supposed to be.

4. I bought considerably less sneakers in 2019 (only two UB 19s!). The Jo Ann of 2016 would consider this an ultimate low, a travesty even, but I started to realize that buying sneakers (when I didn't need them) became an escape, at worst, or a fleeting source of happiness, at best. It was nice to have all these pairs but it was getting out of hand, and it was time to stop.

The Ultraboost 19s kinda grew on me.

PS: This doesn't mean I will completely turn my back on sneakers I really want. The goal is to cut it down to only a couple of pairs a year, during bonus season. Hehe.

5. Travelling has always been a "high" ever since I started working. This year, aside from gaining a new favorite City in Taipei, I also traveled solo for the first time. 

Truly a wonder of the world.

I've always wanted to travel solo and there was no better time to do it than my 30th birthday. Travelling alone is a unique experience I highly recommend, but with a caution that it must be done to "kind" destinations. I traveled to Hanoi, Vietnam and visited the provinces/towns of Ha Long, Sa Pa and Ninh Binh. It was relatively safe and hassle-free, thanks to my OC tendencies. I have yet to write about the entire experience but it was truly a trip for the soul. Aside from doing all the things I want to do and at a pace that I want, being alone with my thoughts was the part I enjoyed the best. I got to know myself more, as cliche-ic as it my sound.

Clockwise, L to R: Biking in Ninh Binh, Fansipan Legend peak,
aboard Paradise Elegance 2 and Sa Pa Lake. 

My "favorite" part was going on a relatively difficult hike to the Lao Cai and Ta Van villages, and quitting midway. Yes, it sucked that I quit after 30 minutes of continuous, down-on-all-fours buwis-buhay hiking, but I realized (as I was drinking beer at the hotel later) that it was kind of apt considering 2019 was all about knowing when to quit and being comfortable with quitting. Growing up, I always viewed (and society reinforced my views) quitting as negative, that admitting and accepting one's weakness should be avoided, at all costs. Well, as I lied down on the damp dirt and grass somewhere in Sa Pa, I called BS on all that. Quit, if you must; rest and recharge; then, move on. 

Quitting at this point of the hike was akin to getting a message from the heavens.

I promise to be back to Sa Pa, be better equipped clothing-wise and conquer that hike! #competitiveparin

6. Came out to family and friends. This fact alone made this year The Year but there were so many other things that happened (as I said above) that made this year exceptionally great. I came out to family and close friends on my birthday, through tinyletter, while I was miles away. It took me a longer time (and a lot of crying and overthinking), but I felt light and right after sending the letter. It was, and I'm not kidding, as if a great burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was the best gift I could give myself as I turned thirty.

However, I felt the real effects of it, when I came back from my trip. Everything felt exactly the same it was before I left. No drama, no sit down talks of what I can and cannot do. The only difference was I came back with the comforting fact that I am no longer keeping a part of me hidden to people I love most. My brother even reminded me to download a dating app!

I admit at 30yo, I am kind of late to this but as a friend wisely said,
It takes as long as it takes.

VERDICT: FIVE STARS!!! (My first five-star year since I started this thing!)

I ended 2018 with only two wishes: to grow where I am planted and to learn what are my non-negotiable wants and don't wants in life are. I am proud to share that (drumroll, please) I have successfully attained one out of two wishes. Haha. Kidding aside, I will continue working on the first one, growing where I am planted by simply not finding (or creating?) reasons to leave my current employment (which I am extremely fond of), and truly understanding that staying that doesn't mean settling.

Never could I imagine, ten years ago, that I would be an out lesbian to family and friends and still be home for Christmas. There were countless of times when I wanted to give up, but I am happy that I stuck it out in this timeline and stayed.


THE FUTURE: I am genuinely looking forward to what 2020 has in store for me and the rest of us. While our country is not getting better with all these EJKs and questionable government policies in terms of transportation, employment and immigration (just to name a few), but as one of my mentors said, never lose hope. Because when you do, it's when they win.

One of greater challenges of 2020 is finding ways to grow while staying where I am planted.  I welcome this challenge (yes, like Barney!) armed with the better outlook in life I gained in 2019.

stay.

As I did in 2018, I close 2019 with a song that I found great comfort in when times got rough, Billy Joel's Vienna:

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
...

But you know when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
...
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing just fine
You can't be everything you want to be 
Before your time
...

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know 
You can't always see when you're right, you're right
...

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

2018

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Bright lights ahead.

HIGHS:

1. Rejoined my mentor, and undertook the much greater responsibility of managing an entire office. It was not an easy decision to make. A call came sometime in January, and I was given four days to grow up and decide. And grow up I did. Countless tears were shed, and numerous conversations with important people in my life were had. Was I ready to leave? To leave at the time that I did was not an easy decision to make—at some point I was too scared, too sad, to make it—but I did. Was I ready for the responsibilities that I will undertake? I cannot say that I was completely convinced with my readiness, my competence. Every day, as I try to learn everything that needs to be learned, I encounter doubts as to my capacity to do this—sometimes from other people, sometimes mine. What ultimately helped me deal with things was an advice from a good friend: To do my job as best I could with as less mistakes as I can manage.

 We are where we are supposed to be.

2. Won my first ever case that I handled as a private practitioner—from drafting the answer to appearing in court to have the case dismissed—with little supervision. The euphoria of beating a seasoned practitioner in open court pales in comparison to the joy I saw on my client’s face when I told him that we won. The Rodic’s tapsilog we ate, to celebrate, was the best Rodic’s I’ve tasted in years.

Victory Meal

3. Finished writing my first ever multi-chapter fanfiction. Finally. After two years of being caught up in life’s greatest distractions. Writing a nine-chapter fan fiction means more than stringing together 29,000 words to tell a story; it’s a commitment to finishing something I was hell-bent on finishing in 2016, yet failed to do. It’s proof that I can finish things, if I only put my mind to it.

4. Tried to live a healthier life. Around sometime in June, I tried dieting, and although it was not a total success (I only lost 15 kilos), I wish to continue making healthier choices in 2019. I hope to make time for a more active lifestyle, to take better care of myself.

5. Got all my Holy Grails. Every sneakerhead has a holy grail, a pair of sneakers that they want to have, but don’t. The must-have, the end-all and be-all of sneaker-collecting. It was the ultraBOOST Mid Kith Aspen—a collab pair between adidas and Ronnie Fieg—for me. Ever since it came out in 2016, it became my holy grail. But the prices went outrageously high, and the cash I was willing to spend on sneakers went the opposite direction, so I could only dream of having pair. But somehow all the stars aligned last August, and I found a pre-loved pair in my size, in good condition, for sale in the Adidas Talk Philippines Facebook group. Long story short, I jumped the gun. I wore it during my trip to Kuala Lumpur.

Holiest of All Holy Grails: Kith Aspens

What followed next was something I can only dream of, my next holy grail pair, PW NMD Hu Holi Trail “Equality” (a collab pair between adidas and Pharrell Williams) was, again, available for sale, at my size, in a reasonable price, when I had enough money to spare to buy them. That’s fate, if you ask me.

HOLI grail

This year, I also got a few other pairs worth noting—the ultraBOOST V1 OG, ultraBOOST V1 Multicolor, Iniki Golden Rod, and Nike Epic React OG (a gift from my mentor! Best. Gift. Ever. Wooo!).

UltraBOOST V1 Multicolor (top left), UltraBOOST OG (bottom left),
Epic React OG (right)

Overall, 2018 was a good sneaker year. Since I have all the pairs I could ever want, I hope to slowly but more effectively wane off buying sneakers as I realized (during the move to my new place) that I owned too much sneakers.

My 2018 Sneaker Haul

LOWS:

1. Experienced heartbreaks, more than I could count, more than my heart could take. Inspirational self-help books are all about fighting for what you want, getting up your ass to do that one thing you keep procrastinating on doing, to keep going, and so on. But rarely do they encourage letting go of something we really want as a means of attaining peace. I learned how through several painful experiences that broke my heart this year—leaving a workplace I have grown to love at a time most painful for everyone; finally admitting to myself that the paper planes I sent were merely received but not returned; telling a mother that I could not represent her son in court; and realizing that I will not be helping my first-ever mentor to achieve greater things.

The deer-in-headlights feeling was back in 2018.

These heartbreaks are borne by a confluence of factors not entirely attributable to my weakness or incompetence to be something when measured by life’s realities. But I cannot help but feel that despite my efforts to be something more, greater and better, I am, simply, not.

2. Traveled less. Because of the effort needed to cope up with switching jobs around March, I only managed to sneak away to Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur. Both were definitely highlights of my year because my Sagittarius self is sated, but I expect 2019 to be a difficult year for travelling. But I do hope the stars will again line up for me to take much-needed trips sometime in September and December.

KL's Petronas (left); Jakarta's National Monument (top right) and
the Gelora Bung Karno Main Stadium (bottom right)

VERDICT: TWO AND A HALF STARS | For two straight years, 2016 and 2017, I had an insanely good year. It was nearly impossible to have another good one for the third straight year. It just doesn’t happen, law of averages. What I feared 2017 would be like, happened in 2018.

Sadness and grief over lost chances and failed expectations caught up to me faster than I can run away from them. I tried to see the light at the end of every dark tunnel, but inevitably I had days where I can’t do anything but give up. Fortunately, it mostly took a day of shutting everyone out, of resting my mind and soul, to find the motivation to #keepgoing. It is these days that I am greatly thankful for. I wish to believe they are breaks from God, telling me it’s okay not to be okay at all times. For this and more, thank you Lord. I’ve missed you greatly.

An almost forgotten lesson from a completely different life: To grow where I am planted.

THE FUTURE: I could wish for many things, since 2019 will be the year I will be celebrating my 30^th birthday. But after the shit-storm that 2018 was, I learned to manage my wishes and expectations. To be more sensible, I hope 2019 will be the year I will learn to grow where I am planted—one of the birthday wishes I was given last 2016. It takes wisdom, the extreme kind, to see the good in staying, in not leaving at the first sight of incompatibility or feeling of discomfort or grief. Yes, life is short and I shouldn’t spend it doing things I don’t want, but as I learned the past year, life is not as simple as categorizing things to “wants” and "don’t wants.” Ultimately, for me to follow my life mantra—it is still a worthwhile one to have—I need to learn what are my non-negotiable “don’t wants” in life are.

I hope 2019 teaches me this lesson, and more.

Orange sky above, lighting your way. (Fresh Feeling, Eels)

I close the terrible year that was 2018, and welcome 2019 with hope . . . and the Eels’ calming words in Fresh Feeling:

Try
Try to forget what's in the past
Tomorrow is here
Love, 
Orange sky above lighting your way
There's nothing to fear

Some people are good 
Babe in the 'hood
So pure and so free
I'd make a safe bet
You're gonna get whatever you need