2018

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Bright lights ahead.

HIGHS:

1. Rejoined my mentor, and undertook the much greater responsibility of managing an entire office. It was not an easy decision to make. A call came sometime in January, and I was given four days to grow up and decide. And grow up I did. Countless tears were shed, and numerous conversations with important people in my life were had. Was I ready to leave? To leave at the time that I did was not an easy decision to make—at some point I was too scared, too sad, to make it—but I did. Was I ready for the responsibilities that I will undertake? I cannot say that I was completely convinced with my readiness, my competence. Every day, as I try to learn everything that needs to be learned, I encounter doubts as to my capacity to do this—sometimes from other people, sometimes mine. What ultimately helped me deal with things was an advice from a good friend: To do my job as best I could with as less mistakes as I can manage.

 We are where we are supposed to be.

2. Won my first ever case that I handled as a private practitioner—from drafting the answer to appearing in court to have the case dismissed—with little supervision. The euphoria of beating a seasoned practitioner in open court pales in comparison to the joy I saw on my client’s face when I told him that we won. The Rodic’s tapsilog we ate, to celebrate, was the best Rodic’s I’ve tasted in years.

Victory Meal

3. Finished writing my first ever multi-chapter fanfiction. Finally. After two years of being caught up in life’s greatest distractions. Writing a nine-chapter fan fiction means more than stringing together 29,000 words to tell a story; it’s a commitment to finishing something I was hell-bent on finishing in 2016, yet failed to do. It’s proof that I can finish things, if I only put my mind to it.

4. Tried to live a healthier life. Around sometime in June, I tried dieting, and although it was not a total success (I only lost 15 kilos), I wish to continue making healthier choices in 2019. I hope to make time for a more active lifestyle, to take better care of myself.

5. Got all my Holy Grails. Every sneakerhead has a holy grail, a pair of sneakers that they want to have, but don’t. The must-have, the end-all and be-all of sneaker-collecting. It was the ultraBOOST Mid Kith Aspen—a collab pair between adidas and Ronnie Fieg—for me. Ever since it came out in 2016, it became my holy grail. But the prices went outrageously high, and the cash I was willing to spend on sneakers went the opposite direction, so I could only dream of having pair. But somehow all the stars aligned last August, and I found a pre-loved pair in my size, in good condition, for sale in the Adidas Talk Philippines Facebook group. Long story short, I jumped the gun. I wore it during my trip to Kuala Lumpur.

Holiest of All Holy Grails: Kith Aspens

What followed next was something I can only dream of, my next holy grail pair, PW NMD Hu Holi Trail “Equality” (a collab pair between adidas and Pharrell Williams) was, again, available for sale, at my size, in a reasonable price, when I had enough money to spare to buy them. That’s fate, if you ask me.

HOLI grail

This year, I also got a few other pairs worth noting—the ultraBOOST V1 OG, ultraBOOST V1 Multicolor, Iniki Golden Rod, and Nike Epic React OG (a gift from my mentor! Best. Gift. Ever. Wooo!).

UltraBOOST V1 Multicolor (top left), UltraBOOST OG (bottom left),
Epic React OG (right)

Overall, 2018 was a good sneaker year. Since I have all the pairs I could ever want, I hope to slowly but more effectively wane off buying sneakers as I realized (during the move to my new place) that I owned too much sneakers.

My 2018 Sneaker Haul

LOWS:

1. Experienced heartbreaks, more than I could count, more than my heart could take. Inspirational self-help books are all about fighting for what you want, getting up your ass to do that one thing you keep procrastinating on doing, to keep going, and so on. But rarely do they encourage letting go of something we really want as a means of attaining peace. I learned how through several painful experiences that broke my heart this year—leaving a workplace I have grown to love at a time most painful for everyone; finally admitting to myself that the paper planes I sent were merely received but not returned; telling a mother that I could not represent her son in court; and realizing that I will not be helping my first-ever mentor to achieve greater things.

The deer-in-headlights feeling was back in 2018.

These heartbreaks are borne by a confluence of factors not entirely attributable to my weakness or incompetence to be something when measured by life’s realities. But I cannot help but feel that despite my efforts to be something more, greater and better, I am, simply, not.

2. Traveled less. Because of the effort needed to cope up with switching jobs around March, I only managed to sneak away to Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur. Both were definitely highlights of my year because my Sagittarius self is sated, but I expect 2019 to be a difficult year for travelling. But I do hope the stars will again line up for me to take much-needed trips sometime in September and December.

KL's Petronas (left); Jakarta's National Monument (top right) and
the Gelora Bung Karno Main Stadium (bottom right)

VERDICT: TWO AND A HALF STARS | For two straight years, 2016 and 2017, I had an insanely good year. It was nearly impossible to have another good one for the third straight year. It just doesn’t happen, law of averages. What I feared 2017 would be like, happened in 2018.

Sadness and grief over lost chances and failed expectations caught up to me faster than I can run away from them. I tried to see the light at the end of every dark tunnel, but inevitably I had days where I can’t do anything but give up. Fortunately, it mostly took a day of shutting everyone out, of resting my mind and soul, to find the motivation to #keepgoing. It is these days that I am greatly thankful for. I wish to believe they are breaks from God, telling me it’s okay not to be okay at all times. For this and more, thank you Lord. I’ve missed you greatly.

An almost forgotten lesson from a completely different life: To grow where I am planted.

THE FUTURE: I could wish for many things, since 2019 will be the year I will be celebrating my 30^th birthday. But after the shit-storm that 2018 was, I learned to manage my wishes and expectations. To be more sensible, I hope 2019 will be the year I will learn to grow where I am planted—one of the birthday wishes I was given last 2016. It takes wisdom, the extreme kind, to see the good in staying, in not leaving at the first sight of incompatibility or feeling of discomfort or grief. Yes, life is short and I shouldn’t spend it doing things I don’t want, but as I learned the past year, life is not as simple as categorizing things to “wants” and "don’t wants.” Ultimately, for me to follow my life mantra—it is still a worthwhile one to have—I need to learn what are my non-negotiable “don’t wants” in life are.

I hope 2019 teaches me this lesson, and more.

Orange sky above, lighting your way. (Fresh Feeling, Eels)

I close the terrible year that was 2018, and welcome 2019 with hope . . . and the Eels’ calming words in Fresh Feeling:

Try
Try to forget what's in the past
Tomorrow is here
Love, 
Orange sky above lighting your way
There's nothing to fear

Some people are good 
Babe in the 'hood
So pure and so free
I'd make a safe bet
You're gonna get whatever you need