Deflections

Though I find it easier (and getting more easier) to think/conjure/write a bunch of words--actually, at least a paragraph--in reaction to something. I know my reaction/okray skills are getting better as I get older (I think) but I would have been more thankful if this getting-better-okray skills translated to something academic--because really, no matter how much I try to convince myself that grades really don't matter in "the real world," I think/feel they do. We all have our convictions.

At the start of the year, I had three principles that I'm supposed to live by this year, but I failed at the first one--saying Yes to everything--the moment Ren asked/said to me last Tuesday, "Tara, inom." I don't know if saying "no" to "acquiring" yet again this sole "vice" of mine is a good or bad thing. But after reading the introductory essays on/to Jack Kerouac's original scroll of On The Road, I realized that he is right, life is a series of deflections. And that same instance with Ren showed that I was deflected from my initial goal of saying "Yes" to everything thus putting me in that position where I am supposed to be making yet another goal, in response to that deflection.

Another (seemingly simple yet complex) example. When I was in high school my sole goal/aspiration in life was to go to college and be a lawyer as soon as I can. Because, to be honest, I was one of those crazy/nerdy high school kids that wish nothing more but to graduate because they think everyone else is not living up to their expectations. Yes, I was that mayabang though I didn't show it. In my mind, and believe me this is the first time I will be admitting this in writing (I haven't done so verbally), I believed that I was smarter than everyone else--including my teachers. That everybody didn't read enough.

Come college, I was right though... everyone in high school, at least in mine, didn't read enough. I just got my high school yearbook and I noticed despite being First Honorable Mention I had no other awards aside from the Leadership Award and Best in TLE (Technology and Livelihood Education). The latter, I think, was a consolation because I was the only honor student in the top three who didn't receive anything else. Yes, I admit I wasn't textbook smart--hell, I even copied off others' papers during CAT exams--but I knew and believed, then, (this may sound cliche-ic) that I was destined for something greater. :O So, anyway, I was slightly deflected from my sole goal in life: Law School (though I still want to be a lawyer). I now have another (additional) goal: Reading More.

Now, with less than 12 weeks before graduation (thanks to Ate Josh for counting), I ask myself, "Is this the greatness I have envisioned for myself four/five years ago?" Or is there something greater than this? I know and choose to believe that there is. Because I realized once you get to that point of greatness you envisioned for yourself in the past, you seek for another "greatness", for greater-than-great things. Ah, one of the (fallible) qualities of the human race, discontent, which can be good and bad.

I guess what Kerouac mentioned as life's deflections has something to do with (hu)man's inherent discontentment. You wish to achieve something which you think will define your existence (or at least, make it livable) and when you achieve it, you realize/decide something else will define you more/better.

For some, this (pseudo) philosophical ranting may be gibberish or may mean nothing now but I guess, ten to fifteen years down the road, I want to look back and find out that 20 year old me was doing its best to achieve more, become greater or at least, try--with or without (the necessary) deflections.