Sunday, June 30, 2013

In This Timeline, I Am Walking Away

I've given up on you many times before but somehow you always know when to make me doubt that decision. With a single act, you can make me not want to give up and keep on hoping that there's something to look forward to. And I believed you.

It's a vicious cycle. The minute I decide to go the other way, you do something that draws me back in. Whether it's a minuscule gesture that may not mean anything or means everything, or it's a grand gesture that absolutely mindfucks me in more ways than one. It's clockwork. You never do it too soon, nor too late. Just enough to make me wonder, or worse, hope, that somehow you know I was giving up and you're telling me to wait a little bit more. To be more patient--as if I was not patient for the past year and a half.

A friend once shared her go-to line when it comes to love: Run away with me or run away from me. I suggest we take this advice to heart. We cannot keep doing this. I cannot. Standing at the same place for the longest time has turned out to be more tiring than running. I'm not asking you to take the big leap forward because I know that it takes a lot of everything that you, or I, don't have right now. What I'm asking is, please let me walk away now. While I still can.

I am going in the direction that you have indirectly told me is the right path to take. I've been on this path before, don't worry. This is where I always went whenever I decide to give up on you before, and there may have been a time where I went down this road long enough--before you drew me back in again--for it to be familiar and comforting.

I have accepted the simple yet sad fact that we cannot win in every timeline. I hope that in another timeline, we're doing so much better than how we're doing now. But please know that in every timeline, I am always hoping and wishing you genuine happiness.

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