28 Things To Be Thankful For The Past Year

(Alternative title: Opo hindi pa po ako 30 years old 😆)

1/ Baby Max-- cutest baby in the history of mankind 

2/ And all the babies this year (S/O to our office baby, Liza) and my new godchildren Julian and Mira (welcome to the club!) 😘

3/ My mother's continued good health and happiness

4/ For my family. Just because. 

5/ For my other growing #family 😉#INeedAnIntervention

6/ (Metaphoric) Drowning

7/ The courage to send paper planes 😊

8/ (Sort of) Perfect night of Oh Wonder in Manila!

9/ Opportunity to travel and see the world 

10/ Friendships, both strengthened and discovered. (Friends <you know who you are>, if you have follow-up questions from the Q&A session, just let me know HAHAHA)

11/ Forgiving but never forgetting

12/ Learning to see and appreciate life's little mercies/victories

13/ For being more trusting but not naive

14/ Working with a purpose, for a purpose

15/ Working with good, good people

16/ Having inspiration to continue fighting the good fight

17/ Learning the subtle art of not giving a fuck 👍🏼

18/ Opportunities for career growth 😉

19/ Fully Booked Lifetime Discount card 😆 (And the Fully Booked cards people gifted me with 😍)

20/ Having constants. Neutrals.

21/ The courage to go to my first Pride 🌈 (Didn't march though just helped sell merch; maybe next year. #babysteps)

22/ Learning from random sources--experiences, stories, books, etc.

23/ Realizing that not all battles need to be won, some just need to be fought

24/ The reasons that make my heart skip a beat daily, occasionally #Landi2017

25/ Always having reasons to laugh

26/ Finding reasons to live; finding light amidst the darkness 

27/ Love-- the ability to give it freely, wholeheartedly, and receive it unlimited-ly (yeahpppp, that's a made up word haha)

28/ God's grace. To be given all the blessings I have received from my first day on Earth up to Day 10,220.

Three words, nine letters.

As I am wont to do every so often, I craved some alone time yesterday morning, October 11th. A break from all the craziness of the world. So I skipped the usual breakfast with office people, and had one at the nearest, most quiet, least populated coffee shop I know. FYI: I reflect best in places where the likelihood of someone, who knows me, to walk in is close to zero.

This all started with the thought that around the same time two years ago, I was at another coffee shop, along Matalino Street, reviewing for the Bar Exams. At that time, I was less than a month away from the first of four Sundays of back-to-back same-day exams. I was both dreading and wishing for NovemBAR to come. Just to get it over with.

Fast forward to two years later. I am currently a Court Attorney; doing the things I love and genuinely have passion for. Those two years went by fast--faster than what I'm used to, actually. Those two years were the most eventful two years of my life. (Maybe next to the time I learned to eat solids, speak, walk, etc., but I digress.)

Yes, I felt a roller coaster of emotions from October 2015 to October 2017. Yes, I achieved a life long dream. Yes, I got all the material things (read: sneakers) I wanted. But not all those 24 months were perfect. There were a lot of struggles and lessons learned the most painful way.

But what I am most happy and thankful for those 24 months is that I (subconsciously) used those months wisely to be closer to my life goal. Which is, ultimately, To be happy.

It may seem simple. A life contained in three words, nine letters. But juskolorde it was my most difficult goal (yet), in my entire 27-year existence.

Despite the acknowledgment that being happy was a herculean task, I realized as I reflected yesterday, that I am genuinely happy. I am definitely happier now than I was two years ago.

This realization struck me hard; so hard I had to pause and reflect for another extra hour.

My process of getting here was arduous; painful even. First, there was the difficulty of (finally!) accepting the harsh and hurtful truth that I was not happy. That I needed to do something. Anything to get out of the rut I was in. Next came the longer process of finding out what my idea of happiness is. Then, the realization that being happy will require a certain kind of selfishness on my part. To want that happiness for myself, no matter how seemingly difficult it could be for loved ones. Then came the realization that life is short, and that we shouldn't waste it on doing things we don't want to do or trying to gain the favor of people that do not matter. And lastly, having the resolve to actually take risks in pursuit of happiness. All that. 

It may seem easy, only one paragraph long; but it took roughly 20 to 25 years for all of *that* to play out for me.

Because of the difficulty I encountered getting here, I am grateful for many things. For a loving and patient family. For trustworthy and kind friends. For inspiring heartbreaks. For little victories that the Universe and God throw my way every so often, and always when I needed it most. For having the faith that all will be well; that life is not always going to be as bleak as it was then.

For not succumbing to darkness. For always, always seeing the light.

October 11 is also a celebration of a couple of things other than my personal realizations. Coincidentally these are: the birthday of my first real love, the international day of girls, and the national celebration of freedom and individuality.

Unfortunately, October 11 was also a reminder of how overwhelming darkness can be for some people. That not everyone is as blessed as I was to see the light just before I succumbed to darkness.

The uncertainty of life is scary. I agree. One hundred percent true. Even the permanency of this state of happiness I am in is uncertain. Is there a way to avoid uncertainty? In this world, no, there isn't. But is there a way to avoid stop being scared? YES, THERE IS.

I am eternally grateful to have timely discovered the way. And to realize its effects today.

So, to everyone who inspired me to want to be happy, to work towards my three-word, nine-letter life goal, and from the bottom of my happy, contented heart: Maraming salamat.

11 October 2017 was definitely a good day.  

Baka Sakali

Walang sigurado.

Life is unpredictable, is the one of the first life lessons I learned at an early age. I usually associate the Filipino phrase “Walang sigurado” (Nothing is certain) with sudden death of loved ones—my favorite aunt, my grandmother, my brother-in-heaven.

The uncertainty of life (how long or brief it is, and what happens in it) had been a stumbling block, for 23 years or for the better part of my existence. A motivation to be more careful, to keep things close to my heart, well, close to my heart, and to tread through this Universe as cautiously as I can. Surviving rather than living.

But when a close friend had a serious illness that was not in any way caused by her lifestyle, I started to doubt the way I live survive this life. I realized for the first time that, Life is short. So in 2016, I entertained the idea of veering away from my tried and tested Cautious Way™. I spent the last few days of 2016 taking this (to me, then) Big Risk that previous-me would not have taken, or even thought of. And even then, when I took that Big Risk, I still tried to control its outcome. To avoid surprises and uncertainty. Long story short, I gave up before I really tried.

After much introspection after that Big Risk and how unsuccessful my Cautious Way™ has been in bringing me closer to my ultimate life goal (i.e. To Be Happy), I had new words to live by:

Life is too short for us to do the things we don’t want to do.

This new mantra helped me see 2017 in a different light. Things I previously would not have done, tried, or said yes to, I did. Reading a self-help book for the first time, sending an application letter for a job I considered to be way out of my league, swimming (metaphorically hehe) despite not knowing how and having nearly drowned in the past, trying new things, sharing myself with more people, just to name a few.

But of all these risks, the most important and most potentially damaging or uplifting (depending on the outcome) is, sending paper planes.

Oh Wonder said to build a paper plane to float to you; I built a few more just to be sure.

I still don’t know whether it was a good idea to send those “planes” but I measure its importance by my willingness to take a leap of faith. To just go and say, Bahala na si Batman.

Yes, it is still true that nothing in life in certain (I’m still not sure whether the recipient of the planes genuinely appreciated them, or were they merely being polite, or they didn’t want the guilt of turning down someone), but at least now I have the courage to willingly take a real leap. To leave it all to fate and great timing.

Baka sakali.

I took that leap not knowing what the outcome will be. I took that leap hoping for a less heartbreaking result than what I got in 2016. I took that leap exactly 38 days ago and up to now I'm still confronted with whys and hows. Does it really take 21 days to develop a habit? Do I want you to do things by force of habit or by conscious effort? Am I doing the right thing? Or is it too much? I am not any closer to the answers to my questions.

But what I am sure of is this, I took that leap with the hope that it will bring me closer to happiness only to discover that taking the leap itself made me happy.