2020

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page from 2012 to 2019.

My 2020 in a photo.

2020 was generally a bad year for everyone—except, maybe for those who had personal milestones: passed their Boards and Bar Exams, became first time parents, got married, and so on. But for most of us who had nothing to show for 2020 except surviving it (which is a feat in and of itself, believe me), I had to borrow Marshall Eriksen’s Graduation Goggles just to come up with a Highs List for this year. 

 
To get the lows out of the way, let’s start with those.
 
LOWS:
 
This year sucked for many reasons—some of which I may share with the rest of the world (poor COVID19 response from our government and everything that snowballed to, for one)—and a few personal reasons as well, such as:
 
1. I may sound like a disgruntled influencer or vlogger when I say this (I assure you I am not), but not being able to travel is obviously one of the biggest downsides of this year.
 
As someone who takes immense joy in exploring new places, I was anxious the entire year when it was becoming clear that travelling was not going to be okay anytime soon.
 
What I, a self-confessed traveling millennial, mourn most about 2020 is the loss of the opportunity to escape, take a break and recharge. As a result, we feel we are more drained and tired in 2020 than in previous years—even if, like in my case, work was definitely less demanding and more manageable than it was in 2019. 

With things still looking bleak in 2021, can we just fast forward to 2022?

 

2. Collecting sneakers is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it makes me really happy to get sneakers I really want; on the other hand, it is an unhealthy practice, financially. To strike a healthy balance between an unstoppable force and an immovable object (plus points for you if you get the reference), I try to be smart with my purchases every year. I sort of did well in 2019, but I failed miserably in 2020.
 
I started the first quarter of 2020 with only four sneakers (which was fairly okay since a couple of those were general release ones and the other one was below SRP) BUT from that point, it went downhill (fast!). I discovered the deep dark depths of online shopping, stockx, goat and shipping cart. I also made a couple of doubtful decisions, such as buying a pair of Yeezy 350 V2 Flax, and getting two pairs of the 20th Anniversary Prestos just to check which was the right size for me. I partially blame all my bad sneaker decisions on the craziness caused by this pandemic! #onlyhalfkidding
 
3. A week before my 31st birthday, I was officially diagnosed with Type II diabetes, fatty liver and hyperlipidemia. It was a confirmation of how badly I handled the first 30 years of my life, health-wise. I was initially scared of what this entailed moving forward, but after reassuring myself that I wasn’t dying yet, I got to work. I started medications (never drank this much pills in my life ever), and changed the way I eat, drink (and not drink), and, well, live.

 

No, I didn't eat that cupcake.

After two weeks of strict diet and meds, the doctor was happy with the results (my sugar went down to normal level, thankfully). I am continuing the meds and am scheduled to see him again in March 2021; hopefully, with even better results.
 
What this medical diagnosis gave me was an opportunity to be serious about being healthy, and not just focus on losing weight for the sake of it. Hopefully, I reach my goal weight in 2021, maintain it, and take less medications as I grow older. (I think I unlocked a new #tita level with the last phrase. Haha.)
 
Kidding aside, this isn't easy, to be honest, but I am doing it day by day; trying to last longer in this Earth for whatever purpose I am here for.
 
 
HIGHS:
 
1. Continued good health for family members and friends. This highlight tops any other this year. Be it due to divine intervention or science-based prevention, not getting sick this year (COVID19 or any other illness) will forever be a “high.”
 
2. My niece Max turned three this year, and is an absolute terror when she cries and gets angry, but is also full of love and wonder that I cannot help but be proud, blessed and honored that I get to be a cool aunt to her. (Even though she insists on playing with my Funko Pops regularly. Haha.)
 
3. For the first time since 2016, I spent my birthday with family. Ever since I could afford it, I travelled on my birthday, and for 2020 I was planning to travel to Bagan, Myanmar. But with everything that happened this year, it was more important to spend time with loved ones. Exploring can be done for 2021 2022. *fingers crossed*
 
4. SNEAKERS!!! Outrageous spending aside, all my sneaker purchases for 2020 brought me joy so I won’t be Marie Kondo-ing them soon. But if I really had to take a pick, my top ones are:
 
New Balance x Todd Snyder 997 – The Pride sneaker to top all Pride sneakers. Technically not a 2020 release, but hands down it’s my best 2020 pick-up.

 

 

New Balance 327 – I loooove this model! Some sneakerheads say that its style will not survive the test of time and the hype around it will die down like the New Balance 247’s and X-Racers, but even so, I am still in love with the design, the colorways and collaborations that have come out so far, and its comfort (I can wear it all day!). 

 

I may need a "Stop Buying NB 327's" Intervention soon.

Nike Kobe V Pro-Tro (5X Champ) – TBH, I wasn’t a big Kobe fan growing up (I rooted more for Dirk’s Dallas Mavs and the Pistons line-up of Chauncy, Rip, Tayshaun, Rasheed and Ben), but I appreciated him more after he retired and what he did—was doing, then—for women’s basketball and the WNBA. Kobe Bryant’s unexpected death is one of 2020’s greatest heartbreaks, I am not a fan of basketball shoes as lifestyle pairs, but I couldn’t be a sneaker collector and a basketball fan without a pair of Kobe’s. That’s just impossible.

 

rest easy up there, legend

 

Nike x Sacai LD Waffle (OG colorway) – I have wanted this sneaker for a while now, and was not prepared to pay 30K to 40K on a pair. Thankfully, the sneaker gods have been kind to me this year and blessed me with a good deal.
 

 

adidas Energy Concept 4D Runner – I have always been a #threestripe person ever since I got into sneaker collecting, but this year was not a good year for my favorite sneaker brand. They did sort of make up for a lackluster year by coming up with good 4D sneakers such as the Ultra 4D and this 4D Runner towards the last quarter of 2020.

Surprisingly comfy and light for a 4D sneakers.
The colors are on point, too.

 

All these pairs aside, what I am most happy about my sneaker purchases in 2020 are the ones I made for family members.
 
 
As you may have noticed, the highs of 2020 is a brief list compared to last year (my best year yet!). I did not expect 2020 to be just as good as 2019 was for me, but I did not expect it to be that bad. 
 
VERDICT: Two stars. (My lowest rating since I started this thing!)
 
All the time spent in isolation and staying at home led to a lot (and by that I mean a ton) of time for self-reflection. Mid-way through my 30th year I realized I have, in the general scheme of things, made costly mistakes as to how I lived my life up to this point—and I am not just talking about my health. It was tough to realize that life has no Ctrl+Z’s and refresh buttons, and one has no other option but to live with consequences of past decisions. No matter how ill-advised (read: dumb) they were. *isang malalim na buntong hininga*

 

got aching ribs from faking it

 

Happiness by Wingtip offered some comfort in the midst of all this existential yet belated quarter life crisis in the middle of a global pandemic:
 
If you find happiness
Hold onto it, hold onto it
'Cause most of us are bad at it
Got aching ribs from faking it
And even if it dissolves
It's still better than nothing at all
So if you find happiness
Hold onto it, yeah
 
 
THE FUTURE:
 
With 2020 defying all expectations (in a really bad way), there is not much to expect or hope for 2021 but for it to be even a teeny tiny bit better than 2020 was.

 

No pace but your own.

 

I hope to continue making better decisions for my health and heart; to get back to reading books for leisure (and not just buy more books); to try to find ways to grow where I am planted (and no, I am definitely not getting into the plant craze); and, to make every day I am here on Earth count. This isn’t much compared to my loftier goals from years past, but taking my greatest lesson from 2020 to heart, it’s okay to not be okay (yep, I am aware that’s the title of a Korean TV show but I am not into those so there are no references being made here), and, more importantly, to mind no pace but your own.

 

 

 

2019

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2018.

Ha Long Bay sunset on my 30th birthday

LOWS:

For this year, I will start with the lows because that's what the first half of 2019 was full of. I didn't feel so great. I was at a low point health-wise--both physically and mentally.

1. One of 2018's highs gradually became a contributing factor to making the early part of 2019, in no better terms, suck. Work started feeling like work and stopped being a source of inspiration and purpose. It maybe too cliche-ic or even naive for some, but I discovered that I need to find joy and pride in the work I do for me to continue doing it. That disappointment with my professional life (which is, unfortunately, where I used to get most satisfaction from) trickled on to my personal life. And everything sucked.

It was extremely heartbreaking to turn my back to a person I look up to and love working for, and people I enjoyed working with, but sometimes grown-up decisions had to be made.

This grown-up decision led me to one of two lessons 2019 taught me: Know when to leave and know when to stay. It was, to put it in simplest terms, time for me to leave that job and move on to other things, for my own sanity and wellbeing.

May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you're planting for 2020.

2. Another factor that contributed to the overall meh feeling of early 2019 was finally realizing that the paper planes thing really hurt, and that I was greatly affected by it more than I let on. As I reflected on later, I realized that I should've mourned it properly rather than just grinning and bearing it. Grief from that loss finally caught on to me in the early part of 2019, and left me tired.


HIGHS:

1. My 45-day sanity break. The entire July and first half of August found me in-between jobs. It was a perfect time to rest, reflect and recharge. And I did all this by travelling thrice in a span of 45 days. First, to Taiwan, with friends who were also, by a stroke of luck (haha), unemployed. Second, to La Union, again with friends whose company I am most comfortable in. Third, to Iloilo, a friend's hometown to celebrate her birthday. All these trips, although seemingly tiring, left me well-rested. By the time mid-August rolled in, I was ready to go to work again. At a new, old environment this time.

Iloilo wonders.

This 45-day sanity break was much needed and much appreciated. Not only were my friendships strengthened with the people I traveled with, but I gained a new favorite City in Taipei! I just wish it wasn't so hot and humid (in the morning) and wet (in the evening) when we visited. But the people (both the Taiwanese and the friends I went with) more than made up for the crazy, Manila-like weather.

Dark and hazy: My kind of Taipei 101.

2. A new workplace and a new outlook towards work. Before, I used to approach work as somewhere I can build close relationships with--like a family--but I learned that the reverse of such (i.e. office mates are just office mates, and not friends or family) is not a bad thing, or something to lose sleep over. Approaching work with no other mindset but to just do a job changes a lot. At first, it seemed counterproductive and impersonal but as months go on, I am convinced it is the way to go. I am more focused on what I am doing and getting better at it. I think this new outlook will make the chances of me staying in a workplace longer, better.

The most quiet and calmest spot in all of Iloilo City, imho.

3. A better outlook towards my career. I've always had a goal every year, career-wise, ever since I figured out that I want to be a lawyer, and later, a judge. And every year, I have accomplished them. However, since I am still far off from becoming eligible to be a judge, this year and the next few years are challenging for the simple fact that I hate waiting and not moving. 2019 taught me (through conversations with friends) that there is absolutely no need to rush, and we are where we are supposed to be.

4. I bought considerably less sneakers in 2019 (only two UB 19s!). The Jo Ann of 2016 would consider this an ultimate low, a travesty even, but I started to realize that buying sneakers (when I didn't need them) became an escape, at worst, or a fleeting source of happiness, at best. It was nice to have all these pairs but it was getting out of hand, and it was time to stop.

The Ultraboost 19s kinda grew on me.

PS: This doesn't mean I will completely turn my back on sneakers I really want. The goal is to cut it down to only a couple of pairs a year, during bonus season. Hehe.

5. Travelling has always been a "high" ever since I started working. This year, aside from gaining a new favorite City in Taipei, I also traveled solo for the first time. 

Truly a wonder of the world.

I've always wanted to travel solo and there was no better time to do it than my 30th birthday. Travelling alone is a unique experience I highly recommend, but with a caution that it must be done to "kind" destinations. I traveled to Hanoi, Vietnam and visited the provinces/towns of Ha Long, Sa Pa and Ninh Binh. It was relatively safe and hassle-free, thanks to my OC tendencies. I have yet to write about the entire experience but it was truly a trip for the soul. Aside from doing all the things I want to do and at a pace that I want, being alone with my thoughts was the part I enjoyed the best. I got to know myself more, as cliche-ic as it my sound.

Clockwise, L to R: Biking in Ninh Binh, Fansipan Legend peak,
aboard Paradise Elegance 2 and Sa Pa Lake. 

My "favorite" part was going on a relatively difficult hike to the Lao Cai and Ta Van villages, and quitting midway. Yes, it sucked that I quit after 30 minutes of continuous, down-on-all-fours buwis-buhay hiking, but I realized (as I was drinking beer at the hotel later) that it was kind of apt considering 2019 was all about knowing when to quit and being comfortable with quitting. Growing up, I always viewed (and society reinforced my views) quitting as negative, that admitting and accepting one's weakness should be avoided, at all costs. Well, as I lied down on the damp dirt and grass somewhere in Sa Pa, I called BS on all that. Quit, if you must; rest and recharge; then, move on. 

Quitting at this point of the hike was akin to getting a message from the heavens.

I promise to be back to Sa Pa, be better equipped clothing-wise and conquer that hike! #competitiveparin

6. Came out to family and friends. This fact alone made this year The Year but there were so many other things that happened (as I said above) that made this year exceptionally great. I came out to family and close friends on my birthday, through tinyletter, while I was miles away. It took me a longer time (and a lot of crying and overthinking), but I felt light and right after sending the letter. It was, and I'm not kidding, as if a great burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was the best gift I could give myself as I turned thirty.

However, I felt the real effects of it, when I came back from my trip. Everything felt exactly the same it was before I left. No drama, no sit down talks of what I can and cannot do. The only difference was I came back with the comforting fact that I am no longer keeping a part of me hidden to people I love most. My brother even reminded me to download a dating app!

I admit at 30yo, I am kind of late to this but as a friend wisely said,
It takes as long as it takes.

VERDICT: FIVE STARS!!! (My first five-star year since I started this thing!)

I ended 2018 with only two wishes: to grow where I am planted and to learn what are my non-negotiable wants and don't wants in life are. I am proud to share that (drumroll, please) I have successfully attained one out of two wishes. Haha. Kidding aside, I will continue working on the first one, growing where I am planted by simply not finding (or creating?) reasons to leave my current employment (which I am extremely fond of), and truly understanding that staying that doesn't mean settling.

Never could I imagine, ten years ago, that I would be an out lesbian to family and friends and still be home for Christmas. There were countless of times when I wanted to give up, but I am happy that I stuck it out in this timeline and stayed.


THE FUTURE: I am genuinely looking forward to what 2020 has in store for me and the rest of us. While our country is not getting better with all these EJKs and questionable government policies in terms of transportation, employment and immigration (just to name a few), but as one of my mentors said, never lose hope. Because when you do, it's when they win.

One of greater challenges of 2020 is finding ways to grow while staying where I am planted.  I welcome this challenge (yes, like Barney!) armed with the better outlook in life I gained in 2019.

stay.

As I did in 2018, I close 2019 with a song that I found great comfort in when times got rough, Billy Joel's Vienna:

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
...

But you know when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
...
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing just fine
You can't be everything you want to be 
Before your time
...

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know 
You can't always see when you're right, you're right
...

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

2018

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Bright lights ahead.

HIGHS:

1. Rejoined my mentor, and undertook the much greater responsibility of managing an entire office. It was not an easy decision to make. A call came sometime in January, and I was given four days to grow up and decide. And grow up I did. Countless tears were shed, and numerous conversations with important people in my life were had. Was I ready to leave? To leave at the time that I did was not an easy decision to make—at some point I was too scared, too sad, to make it—but I did. Was I ready for the responsibilities that I will undertake? I cannot say that I was completely convinced with my readiness, my competence. Every day, as I try to learn everything that needs to be learned, I encounter doubts as to my capacity to do this—sometimes from other people, sometimes mine. What ultimately helped me deal with things was an advice from a good friend: To do my job as best I could with as less mistakes as I can manage.

 We are where we are supposed to be.

2. Won my first ever case that I handled as a private practitioner—from drafting the answer to appearing in court to have the case dismissed—with little supervision. The euphoria of beating a seasoned practitioner in open court pales in comparison to the joy I saw on my client’s face when I told him that we won. The Rodic’s tapsilog we ate, to celebrate, was the best Rodic’s I’ve tasted in years.

Victory Meal

3. Finished writing my first ever multi-chapter fanfiction. Finally. After two years of being caught up in life’s greatest distractions. Writing a nine-chapter fan fiction means more than stringing together 29,000 words to tell a story; it’s a commitment to finishing something I was hell-bent on finishing in 2016, yet failed to do. It’s proof that I can finish things, if I only put my mind to it.

4. Tried to live a healthier life. Around sometime in June, I tried dieting, and although it was not a total success (I only lost 15 kilos), I wish to continue making healthier choices in 2019. I hope to make time for a more active lifestyle, to take better care of myself.

5. Got all my Holy Grails. Every sneakerhead has a holy grail, a pair of sneakers that they want to have, but don’t. The must-have, the end-all and be-all of sneaker-collecting. It was the ultraBOOST Mid Kith Aspen—a collab pair between adidas and Ronnie Fieg—for me. Ever since it came out in 2016, it became my holy grail. But the prices went outrageously high, and the cash I was willing to spend on sneakers went the opposite direction, so I could only dream of having pair. But somehow all the stars aligned last August, and I found a pre-loved pair in my size, in good condition, for sale in the Adidas Talk Philippines Facebook group. Long story short, I jumped the gun. I wore it during my trip to Kuala Lumpur.

Holiest of All Holy Grails: Kith Aspens

What followed next was something I can only dream of, my next holy grail pair, PW NMD Hu Holi Trail “Equality” (a collab pair between adidas and Pharrell Williams) was, again, available for sale, at my size, in a reasonable price, when I had enough money to spare to buy them. That’s fate, if you ask me.

HOLI grail

This year, I also got a few other pairs worth noting—the ultraBOOST V1 OG, ultraBOOST V1 Multicolor, Iniki Golden Rod, and Nike Epic React OG (a gift from my mentor! Best. Gift. Ever. Wooo!).

UltraBOOST V1 Multicolor (top left), UltraBOOST OG (bottom left),
Epic React OG (right)

Overall, 2018 was a good sneaker year. Since I have all the pairs I could ever want, I hope to slowly but more effectively wane off buying sneakers as I realized (during the move to my new place) that I owned too much sneakers.

My 2018 Sneaker Haul

LOWS:

1. Experienced heartbreaks, more than I could count, more than my heart could take. Inspirational self-help books are all about fighting for what you want, getting up your ass to do that one thing you keep procrastinating on doing, to keep going, and so on. But rarely do they encourage letting go of something we really want as a means of attaining peace. I learned how through several painful experiences that broke my heart this year—leaving a workplace I have grown to love at a time most painful for everyone; finally admitting to myself that the paper planes I sent were merely received but not returned; telling a mother that I could not represent her son in court; and realizing that I will not be helping my first-ever mentor to achieve greater things.

The deer-in-headlights feeling was back in 2018.

These heartbreaks are borne by a confluence of factors not entirely attributable to my weakness or incompetence to be something when measured by life’s realities. But I cannot help but feel that despite my efforts to be something more, greater and better, I am, simply, not.

2. Traveled less. Because of the effort needed to cope up with switching jobs around March, I only managed to sneak away to Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur. Both were definitely highlights of my year because my Sagittarius self is sated, but I expect 2019 to be a difficult year for travelling. But I do hope the stars will again line up for me to take much-needed trips sometime in September and December.

KL's Petronas (left); Jakarta's National Monument (top right) and
the Gelora Bung Karno Main Stadium (bottom right)

VERDICT: TWO AND A HALF STARS | For two straight years, 2016 and 2017, I had an insanely good year. It was nearly impossible to have another good one for the third straight year. It just doesn’t happen, law of averages. What I feared 2017 would be like, happened in 2018.

Sadness and grief over lost chances and failed expectations caught up to me faster than I can run away from them. I tried to see the light at the end of every dark tunnel, but inevitably I had days where I can’t do anything but give up. Fortunately, it mostly took a day of shutting everyone out, of resting my mind and soul, to find the motivation to #keepgoing. It is these days that I am greatly thankful for. I wish to believe they are breaks from God, telling me it’s okay not to be okay at all times. For this and more, thank you Lord. I’ve missed you greatly.

An almost forgotten lesson from a completely different life: To grow where I am planted.

THE FUTURE: I could wish for many things, since 2019 will be the year I will be celebrating my 30^th birthday. But after the shit-storm that 2018 was, I learned to manage my wishes and expectations. To be more sensible, I hope 2019 will be the year I will learn to grow where I am planted—one of the birthday wishes I was given last 2016. It takes wisdom, the extreme kind, to see the good in staying, in not leaving at the first sight of incompatibility or feeling of discomfort or grief. Yes, life is short and I shouldn’t spend it doing things I don’t want, but as I learned the past year, life is not as simple as categorizing things to “wants” and "don’t wants.” Ultimately, for me to follow my life mantra—it is still a worthwhile one to have—I need to learn what are my non-negotiable “don’t wants” in life are.

I hope 2019 teaches me this lesson, and more.

Orange sky above, lighting your way. (Fresh Feeling, Eels)

I close the terrible year that was 2018, and welcome 2019 with hope . . . and the Eels’ calming words in Fresh Feeling:

Try
Try to forget what's in the past
Tomorrow is here
Love, 
Orange sky above lighting your way
There's nothing to fear

Some people are good 
Babe in the 'hood
So pure and so free
I'd make a safe bet
You're gonna get whatever you need

28 Going on 29

My twenty eighth was not my happiest, greatest year, to be honest. I am in a place and time in my life when it's very difficult to find purpose in living, and motivation to keep going. Life's roadblocks were constant, bigger and seemed impossible to get past. It didn't help that the positivity and courage I was blessed with in my 27th year was nowhere to be found. All gone, I guess. Maybe, my luck has ran out.

I could still list down the things I am thankful for--family, friends, material blessings--but even that process I start to question the benefit of.

Ever since I can remember, I've always figured out what I want out of life. Advance mag-isip, as we jokingly say in Filipino. But somehow I am starting doubt my findings and, eventually, my methods of getting to these conclusions.

The highs of my life have so far been measured by professional successes, rarely personal ones. At the end of 2017, I knew that it would be a long way to go before my next professional milestone. That alone, made this year, my 28th, a tough one. It's as if I am in third year law school all over again. Both the starting point and the goal seem too far to go back or to move forward to. 

Changing the metrics of success seems the only right way to go. I tried investing more in my personal life. But that, to summarize, had been a bust. To put it simply, all my paper planes went unreturned. I am nowhere near I want to be, despite my 110 percent effort. Is it time to reevaluate my methods again?

In the past year, I also felt that, despite my age and what lies ahead, I am running out of time. I am  too old to make mistakes acceptable, yet too young to be immune to bouts of stupidity and immaturity.

The world turns, the world takes, regardless if I am ready for it.

Even though it sounds too cliche-ic and corny, I only have one goal in life: To be happy. I thought I had it planned out. But the past year has taught me, in the most painful of ways, that I am still unprepared for it. That my plan was faulty. That happiness is not as simple or as accessible as it may seem two years ago. That, lo and behold, I cannot expect everyone to behave as I hoped they would. That things that can go wrong, will.

So what's next for me? With the way things are going (or not going, to be accurate), I expect another year of goals not being met (yet), and of being too far in the game to quit. Another year of "hindi ako malungkot pero hindi rin ako masaya."

Can I survive the coming year, my last as a twenty-something being just this. I think so; there are worse fates, I'm sure.

Admittedly, the more difficult question I have to find an answer to is, How to survive. And I am still looking for the right answer--months after I first thought of this question.

If you get leads or tips or a fairly decent guess, let me know. I am dying to find answers. 

Happy birthday to me.

deers should grieve

we open with a familiar scene: the deer, standing alone in the deep, dark forest at night. it is stunned. struck yet again by another headlight—a familiar one, at that. mind going mile a minute, heart beating twice as fast, but all limbs not moving an inch.

the deer has finally said goodbye to the headlight of 2013. it was not a conventional farewell that involved tears, hugs and false promises to stay in touch. the goodbye took the form of a question unanswered—a metaphorical goodbye of sorts; an end to a madness that lasted more than it should.

the deer’s initial response was to make sense of what happened. to make the loss a positive one. a learning experience. instead of mourning the loss and shedding much-kept tears, the deer skipped (as it was wont to do) to lessons that could be learned from this two-year hit and run. it told other deers it was okay. it even told itself, everything was okay.

turns out it wasn’t. and this realization crept up to the deer quietly, but hit the deer suddenly. 

the deer, after much introspection (yes, deers introspect), realized that it should have mourned its loss properly. it should have stopped and cried, instead of going on with life. it should have accepted the simple but bitter truth that the loss, although foreseen, still hurt. the deer should have grieved.

the headlight is long gone by now, leaving the deer to handle the sadness that accompanies being left alone, and the loneliness in accepting that not all dreams are realized despite how much hardwork was put in.

contrary to other scientific findings, deers can grieve. and they should.

---

Unfortunately, other entries in the Deer Struck by Headlights series are now gone because Multiply closed down. I hope to find inspiration to continue this very interesting series here.

Deers can tiptoe

The deer is ready, headlights.

Deer can hope

If deers could cover their ears.

2017

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars--5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016.

A photo to remember my first New Year away from home.

HIGHS:

1. Wonderful additions to our family: Mia and Baby Maxenne a.k.a Baby Max, Baymax, the G.O.A.T. and the MVB (Most Valuable Baby). My younger brother got married last year, and in the process I gained a sister-in-law, a niece, and a hundred bucks. 😏

At the wedding reception of my brother (and new sister!)

Baby Max is a perfect (hehe biased) bundle of joy. Perfect, mostly because she is cranky and looks a lot like me. And she makes my mom very, very happy.

Mama and Max

2. Three new godchildren. Three babies--Max, Julian and Mira--joined the elite (nyehehe) group of children I was chosen to be second parents to. Only God knows why their parents chose me, but being ninang is a responsibility I take seriously and to heart.

3. Best friend got lawyered. 2017 started out on a very high note because one of my best-est friends passed the Bar Exams, and joined the legal profession.

4. Traveled more. Aside from trips around the Philippines that I took because of work, I traveled to South Korea, Hong Kong and Thailand in 2017, and celebrated many firsts in these countries.

From top to bottom:
Gyeongbokgung Palace in Seoul
Ngong Ping Village in Hong Kong
Wat Chaiwattanaram in Ayutthaya

Every trip offers another lens from which to view the world. Seoul gave me a taste of the ideal (a perfect first international trip); Hong Kong showed me the importance of traveling with friends; while Bangkok marked an ending and a beginning.

5. Moved up in the office (literally, from first to second floor), and was given more responsibilities. Juggling everything I was given became too overwhelming at times but I view everything as an opportunity to learn and to serve.

Welcome Game!

6. Went crazy(-ier) for sneakers to the point that I need an intervention. To my estimate, I have spent...way too much for sneakers in 2017 alone. I even met up with a sneaker seller in Iloilo!

My 2017 sneaker haul was a mix of old and new

One can't have too many white sneakers imho!

The Pride 2017 Pack 🏳️🌈

For 2018, I plan to be more prudent in spending money wisely, especially when it comes to sneakers.

7. Went back to an old love: reading for leisure. Last year, I read books of different kinds: (1) those that mattered (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Option B), (2) books that didn't (a couple of YAs haha), (3) books that I really liked (Sneaker Wars, basketball books, A Wrinkle in Time) and (4) books that were given to me that I have yet to finish reading (Closed Chambers, What If, Halina Filipina, Adulting is a Myth, Beta Ball and The Breaks of the Game).

2017's Best Reads

Currently, I am on a book buying moratorium until I finish my two years worth of #MIBF backlog.

8. Went to an Oh Wonder concert. It was perfect. I finally know what it feels like to live ultralife.

Lights out solo in the blue before I found you. --Ultralife, Oh Wonder

9. Strengthened friendships and built new ones worth keeping. I've always viewed the office as a place for work and never for friendship. #realtalk Last year, I was pleasantly surprised to be proven wrong.

10. Stopped compartmentalizing...for a day. In my short 28 years on Earth, I have forged friendships with people from different stages/phases of my life--college, law school, work--and I made it a point to keep these friendships within their respective spheres. But last year, I opted to spend my birthday with as many close friends as I can. I was overwhelmed by the turnout. I was so overwhelmed I had acute gastroenteritis the whole time. Ha ha.

It was an interesting experience to say the least. A once in a lifetime kind of thing.

BEST OF THE BES(T)

11. Sent paper planes, and consequently opened myself to possibilities. Of love and heartbreak, of success and failure. Of joy, of grace and of happiness.

I wrote about the whole paper plane thing here.


LOWS:

1. Continuous challenges to the rule of law, desperate efforts to weaken judicial independence, and to curtail the system of checks and balances enshrined in the Constitution.

2. Sad realization that certain friendships, ones I expected to last forever, are ending. Le sigh.

3. Failed Ultimate Leap. I am counting my failed ultimate leap as one of 2017's few lows because, to paraphrase a common adage, we miss all the leaps we don't take. I view that failed leap as the universe's way of telling me to wait for a better and (as a friend put it) more organic moment.

Crossing my fingers for the right time to find the right words, and (to paraphrase Jack Kerouac) I hope they will be simple.


VERDICT: FOUR AND 3/4 STARS | As 2016 closed, I only hoped to travel, read, shoe-hoard and "swim" more. Thankfully, I was able to do all of these in 2017.

2016 was a great year and, to be honest, I didn't expect 2017 to be just as good (cos' law of averages). But the Universe opted to one-up itself and gave me a better, happier 2017.

My 2017 was a year of firsts, of taking leaps of faith. Most of the leaps I took were leaps outside my comfort zone. Not everything turned out great or the way I wanted (I even missed that last leap!), but I can proudly say I am a happier person for having taken all those leaps, all those risks.

Thank you, 2017. For the courage, for the hope, and for genuine happiness.

 I've got a hope in the headlights
Stood still but I'm feeling fine
Cause all these plans I've been making
Will get me out of here in time

--Plans, Oh Wonder

THE FUTURE: Almost two years down, three to go. In the past year, my idea of a Good Judge--the kind of judge I want to be--became clearer. The next three years will be utilized to attain the experience and expertise necessary to make me closer to my idea of a Good Judge. To prepare myself better for a life of service to the people, of upholding the rule of law.

Oh my life is changing every day, in every possible way. --Dreams, The Cranberries

Personal life-wise, I aspire to build on last year's gains. I hope to make better life choices--at work, in finances, in health, and in "swimming."