2018

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars—5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Bright lights ahead.

HIGHS:

1. Rejoined my mentor, and undertook the much greater responsibility of managing an entire office. It was not an easy decision to make. A call came sometime in January, and I was given four days to grow up and decide. And grow up I did. Countless tears were shed, and numerous conversations with important people in my life were had. Was I ready to leave? To leave at the time that I did was not an easy decision to make—at some point I was too scared, too sad, to make it—but I did. Was I ready for the responsibilities that I will undertake? I cannot say that I was completely convinced with my readiness, my competence. Every day, as I try to learn everything that needs to be learned, I encounter doubts as to my capacity to do this—sometimes from other people, sometimes mine. What ultimately helped me deal with things was an advice from a good friend: To do my job as best I could with as less mistakes as I can manage.

 We are where we are supposed to be.

2. Won my first ever case that I handled as a private practitioner—from drafting the answer to appearing in court to have the case dismissed—with little supervision. The euphoria of beating a seasoned practitioner in open court pales in comparison to the joy I saw on my client’s face when I told him that we won. The Rodic’s tapsilog we ate, to celebrate, was the best Rodic’s I’ve tasted in years.

Victory Meal

3. Finished writing my first ever multi-chapter fanfiction. Finally. After two years of being caught up in life’s greatest distractions. Writing a nine-chapter fan fiction means more than stringing together 29,000 words to tell a story; it’s a commitment to finishing something I was hell-bent on finishing in 2016, yet failed to do. It’s proof that I can finish things, if I only put my mind to it.

4. Tried to live a healthier life. Around sometime in June, I tried dieting, and although it was not a total success (I only lost 15 kilos), I wish to continue making healthier choices in 2019. I hope to make time for a more active lifestyle, to take better care of myself.

5. Got all my Holy Grails. Every sneakerhead has a holy grail, a pair of sneakers that they want to have, but don’t. The must-have, the end-all and be-all of sneaker-collecting. It was the ultraBOOST Mid Kith Aspen—a collab pair between adidas and Ronnie Fieg—for me. Ever since it came out in 2016, it became my holy grail. But the prices went outrageously high, and the cash I was willing to spend on sneakers went the opposite direction, so I could only dream of having pair. But somehow all the stars aligned last August, and I found a pre-loved pair in my size, in good condition, for sale in the Adidas Talk Philippines Facebook group. Long story short, I jumped the gun. I wore it during my trip to Kuala Lumpur.

Holiest of All Holy Grails: Kith Aspens

What followed next was something I can only dream of, my next holy grail pair, PW NMD Hu Holi Trail “Equality” (a collab pair between adidas and Pharrell Williams) was, again, available for sale, at my size, in a reasonable price, when I had enough money to spare to buy them. That’s fate, if you ask me.

HOLI grail

This year, I also got a few other pairs worth noting—the ultraBOOST V1 OG, ultraBOOST V1 Multicolor, Iniki Golden Rod, and Nike Epic React OG (a gift from my mentor! Best. Gift. Ever. Wooo!).

UltraBOOST V1 Multicolor (top left), UltraBOOST OG (bottom left),
Epic React OG (right)

Overall, 2018 was a good sneaker year. Since I have all the pairs I could ever want, I hope to slowly but more effectively wane off buying sneakers as I realized (during the move to my new place) that I owned too much sneakers.

My 2018 Sneaker Haul

LOWS:

1. Experienced heartbreaks, more than I could count, more than my heart could take. Inspirational self-help books are all about fighting for what you want, getting up your ass to do that one thing you keep procrastinating on doing, to keep going, and so on. But rarely do they encourage letting go of something we really want as a means of attaining peace. I learned how through several painful experiences that broke my heart this year—leaving a workplace I have grown to love at a time most painful for everyone; finally admitting to myself that the paper planes I sent were merely received but not returned; telling a mother that I could not represent her son in court; and realizing that I will not be helping my first-ever mentor to achieve greater things.

The deer-in-headlights feeling was back in 2018.

These heartbreaks are borne by a confluence of factors not entirely attributable to my weakness or incompetence to be something when measured by life’s realities. But I cannot help but feel that despite my efforts to be something more, greater and better, I am, simply, not.

2. Traveled less. Because of the effort needed to cope up with switching jobs around March, I only managed to sneak away to Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur. Both were definitely highlights of my year because my Sagittarius self is sated, but I expect 2019 to be a difficult year for travelling. But I do hope the stars will again line up for me to take much-needed trips sometime in September and December.

KL's Petronas (left); Jakarta's National Monument (top right) and
the Gelora Bung Karno Main Stadium (bottom right)

VERDICT: TWO AND A HALF STARS | For two straight years, 2016 and 2017, I had an insanely good year. It was nearly impossible to have another good one for the third straight year. It just doesn’t happen, law of averages. What I feared 2017 would be like, happened in 2018.

Sadness and grief over lost chances and failed expectations caught up to me faster than I can run away from them. I tried to see the light at the end of every dark tunnel, but inevitably I had days where I can’t do anything but give up. Fortunately, it mostly took a day of shutting everyone out, of resting my mind and soul, to find the motivation to #keepgoing. It is these days that I am greatly thankful for. I wish to believe they are breaks from God, telling me it’s okay not to be okay at all times. For this and more, thank you Lord. I’ve missed you greatly.

An almost forgotten lesson from a completely different life: To grow where I am planted.

THE FUTURE: I could wish for many things, since 2019 will be the year I will be celebrating my 30^th birthday. But after the shit-storm that 2018 was, I learned to manage my wishes and expectations. To be more sensible, I hope 2019 will be the year I will learn to grow where I am planted—one of the birthday wishes I was given last 2016. It takes wisdom, the extreme kind, to see the good in staying, in not leaving at the first sight of incompatibility or feeling of discomfort or grief. Yes, life is short and I shouldn’t spend it doing things I don’t want, but as I learned the past year, life is not as simple as categorizing things to “wants” and "don’t wants.” Ultimately, for me to follow my life mantra—it is still a worthwhile one to have—I need to learn what are my non-negotiable “don’t wants” in life are.

I hope 2019 teaches me this lesson, and more.

Orange sky above, lighting your way. (Fresh Feeling, Eels)

I close the terrible year that was 2018, and welcome 2019 with hope . . . and the Eels’ calming words in Fresh Feeling:

Try
Try to forget what's in the past
Tomorrow is here
Love, 
Orange sky above lighting your way
There's nothing to fear

Some people are good 
Babe in the 'hood
So pure and so free
I'd make a safe bet
You're gonna get whatever you need

28 Going on 29

My twenty eighth was not my happiest, greatest year, to be honest. I am in a place and time in my life when it's very difficult to find purpose in living, and motivation to keep going. Life's roadblocks were constant, bigger and seemed impossible to get past. It didn't help that the positivity and courage I was blessed with in my 27th year was nowhere to be found. All gone, I guess. Maybe, my luck has ran out.

I could still list down the things I am thankful for--family, friends, material blessings--but even that process I start to question the benefit of.

Ever since I can remember, I've always figured out what I want out of life. Advance mag-isip, as we jokingly say in Filipino. But somehow I am starting doubt my findings and, eventually, my methods of getting to these conclusions.

The highs of my life have so far been measured by professional successes, rarely personal ones. At the end of 2017, I knew that it would be a long way to go before my next professional milestone. That alone, made this year, my 28th, a tough one. It's as if I am in third year law school all over again. Both the starting point and the goal seem too far to go back or to move forward to. 

Changing the metrics of success seems the only right way to go. I tried investing more in my personal life. But that, to summarize, had been a bust. To put it simply, all my paper planes went unreturned. I am nowhere near I want to be, despite my 110 percent effort. Is it time to reevaluate my methods again?

In the past year, I also felt that, despite my age and what lies ahead, I am running out of time. I am  too old to make mistakes acceptable, yet too young to be immune to bouts of stupidity and immaturity.

The world turns, the world takes, regardless if I am ready for it.

Even though it sounds too cliche-ic and corny, I only have one goal in life: To be happy. I thought I had it planned out. But the past year has taught me, in the most painful of ways, that I am still unprepared for it. That my plan was faulty. That happiness is not as simple or as accessible as it may seem two years ago. That, lo and behold, I cannot expect everyone to behave as I hoped they would. That things that can go wrong, will.

So what's next for me? With the way things are going (or not going, to be accurate), I expect another year of goals not being met (yet), and of being too far in the game to quit. Another year of "hindi ako malungkot pero hindi rin ako masaya."

Can I survive the coming year, my last as a twenty-something being just this. I think so; there are worse fates, I'm sure.

Admittedly, the more difficult question I have to find an answer to is, How to survive. And I am still looking for the right answer--months after I first thought of this question.

If you get leads or tips or a fairly decent guess, let me know. I am dying to find answers. 

Happy birthday to me.

deers should grieve

we open with a familiar scene: the deer, standing alone in the deep, dark forest at night. it is stunned. struck yet again by another headlight—a familiar one, at that. mind going mile a minute, heart beating twice as fast, but all limbs not moving an inch.

the deer has finally said goodbye to the headlight of 2013. it was not a conventional farewell that involved tears, hugs and false promises to stay in touch. the goodbye took the form of a question unanswered—a metaphorical goodbye of sorts; an end to a madness that lasted more than it should.

the deer’s initial response was to make sense of what happened. to make the loss a positive one. a learning experience. instead of mourning the loss and shedding much-kept tears, the deer skipped (as it was wont to do) to lessons that could be learned from this two-year hit and run. it told other deers it was okay. it even told itself, everything was okay.

turns out it wasn’t. and this realization crept up to the deer quietly, but hit the deer suddenly. 

the deer, after much introspection (yes, deers introspect), realized that it should have mourned its loss properly. it should have stopped and cried, instead of going on with life. it should have accepted the simple but bitter truth that the loss, although foreseen, still hurt. the deer should have grieved.

the headlight is long gone by now, leaving the deer to handle the sadness that accompanies being left alone, and the loneliness in accepting that not all dreams are realized despite how much hardwork was put in.

contrary to other scientific findings, deers can grieve. and they should.

---

Unfortunately, other entries in the Deer Struck by Headlights series are now gone because Multiply closed down. I hope to find inspiration to continue this very interesting series here.

Deers can tiptoe

The deer is ready, headlights.

Deer can hope

If deers could cover their ears.

2017

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed and rate that year with stars--5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I have continued that tradition on this blogspot page for 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016.

A photo to remember my first New Year away from home.

HIGHS:

1. Wonderful additions to our family: Mia and Baby Maxenne a.k.a Baby Max, Baymax, the G.O.A.T. and the MVB (Most Valuable Baby). My younger brother got married last year, and in the process I gained a sister-in-law, a niece, and a hundred bucks. 😏

At the wedding reception of my brother (and new sister!)

Baby Max is a perfect (hehe biased) bundle of joy. Perfect, mostly because she is cranky and looks a lot like me. And she makes my mom very, very happy.

Mama and Max

2. Three new godchildren. Three babies--Max, Julian and Mira--joined the elite (nyehehe) group of children I was chosen to be second parents to. Only God knows why their parents chose me, but being ninang is a responsibility I take seriously and to heart.

3. Best friend got lawyered. 2017 started out on a very high note because one of my best-est friends passed the Bar Exams, and joined the legal profession.

4. Traveled more. Aside from trips around the Philippines that I took because of work, I traveled to South Korea, Hong Kong and Thailand in 2017, and celebrated many firsts in these countries.

From top to bottom:
Gyeongbokgung Palace in Seoul
Ngong Ping Village in Hong Kong
Wat Chaiwattanaram in Ayutthaya

Every trip offers another lens from which to view the world. Seoul gave me a taste of the ideal (a perfect first international trip); Hong Kong showed me the importance of traveling with friends; while Bangkok marked an ending and a beginning.

5. Moved up in the office (literally, from first to second floor), and was given more responsibilities. Juggling everything I was given became too overwhelming at times but I view everything as an opportunity to learn and to serve.

Welcome Game!

6. Went crazy(-ier) for sneakers to the point that I need an intervention. To my estimate, I have spent...way too much for sneakers in 2017 alone. I even met up with a sneaker seller in Iloilo!

My 2017 sneaker haul was a mix of old and new

One can't have too many white sneakers imho!

The Pride 2017 Pack 🏳️🌈

For 2018, I plan to be more prudent in spending money wisely, especially when it comes to sneakers.

7. Went back to an old love: reading for leisure. Last year, I read books of different kinds: (1) those that mattered (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Option B), (2) books that didn't (a couple of YAs haha), (3) books that I really liked (Sneaker Wars, basketball books, A Wrinkle in Time) and (4) books that were given to me that I have yet to finish reading (Closed Chambers, What If, Halina Filipina, Adulting is a Myth, Beta Ball and The Breaks of the Game).

2017's Best Reads

Currently, I am on a book buying moratorium until I finish my two years worth of #MIBF backlog.

8. Went to an Oh Wonder concert. It was perfect. I finally know what it feels like to live ultralife.

Lights out solo in the blue before I found you. --Ultralife, Oh Wonder

9. Strengthened friendships and built new ones worth keeping. I've always viewed the office as a place for work and never for friendship. #realtalk Last year, I was pleasantly surprised to be proven wrong.

10. Stopped compartmentalizing...for a day. In my short 28 years on Earth, I have forged friendships with people from different stages/phases of my life--college, law school, work--and I made it a point to keep these friendships within their respective spheres. But last year, I opted to spend my birthday with as many close friends as I can. I was overwhelmed by the turnout. I was so overwhelmed I had acute gastroenteritis the whole time. Ha ha.

It was an interesting experience to say the least. A once in a lifetime kind of thing.

BEST OF THE BES(T)

11. Sent paper planes, and consequently opened myself to possibilities. Of love and heartbreak, of success and failure. Of joy, of grace and of happiness.

I wrote about the whole paper plane thing here.


LOWS:

1. Continuous challenges to the rule of law, desperate efforts to weaken judicial independence, and to curtail the system of checks and balances enshrined in the Constitution.

2. Sad realization that certain friendships, ones I expected to last forever, are ending. Le sigh.

3. Failed Ultimate Leap. I am counting my failed ultimate leap as one of 2017's few lows because, to paraphrase a common adage, we miss all the leaps we don't take. I view that failed leap as the universe's way of telling me to wait for a better and (as a friend put it) more organic moment.

Crossing my fingers for the right time to find the right words, and (to paraphrase Jack Kerouac) I hope they will be simple.


VERDICT: FOUR AND 3/4 STARS | As 2016 closed, I only hoped to travel, read, shoe-hoard and "swim" more. Thankfully, I was able to do all of these in 2017.

2016 was a great year and, to be honest, I didn't expect 2017 to be just as good (cos' law of averages). But the Universe opted to one-up itself and gave me a better, happier 2017.

My 2017 was a year of firsts, of taking leaps of faith. Most of the leaps I took were leaps outside my comfort zone. Not everything turned out great or the way I wanted (I even missed that last leap!), but I can proudly say I am a happier person for having taken all those leaps, all those risks.

Thank you, 2017. For the courage, for the hope, and for genuine happiness.

 I've got a hope in the headlights
Stood still but I'm feeling fine
Cause all these plans I've been making
Will get me out of here in time

--Plans, Oh Wonder

THE FUTURE: Almost two years down, three to go. In the past year, my idea of a Good Judge--the kind of judge I want to be--became clearer. The next three years will be utilized to attain the experience and expertise necessary to make me closer to my idea of a Good Judge. To prepare myself better for a life of service to the people, of upholding the rule of law.

Oh my life is changing every day, in every possible way. --Dreams, The Cranberries

Personal life-wise, I aspire to build on last year's gains. I hope to make better life choices--at work, in finances, in health, and in "swimming."

28 Things To Be Thankful For The Past Year

(Alternative title: Opo hindi pa po ako 30 years old 😆)

1/ Baby Max-- cutest baby in the history of mankind 

2/ And all the babies this year (S/O to our office baby, Liza) and my new godchildren Julian and Mira (welcome to the club!) 😘

3/ My mother's continued good health and happiness

4/ For my family. Just because. 

5/ For my other growing #family 😉#INeedAnIntervention

6/ (Metaphoric) Drowning

7/ The courage to send paper planes 😊

8/ (Sort of) Perfect night of Oh Wonder in Manila!

9/ Opportunity to travel and see the world 

10/ Friendships, both strengthened and discovered. (Friends <you know who you are>, if you have follow-up questions from the Q&A session, just let me know HAHAHA)

11/ Forgiving but never forgetting

12/ Learning to see and appreciate life's little mercies/victories

13/ For being more trusting but not naive

14/ Working with a purpose, for a purpose

15/ Working with good, good people

16/ Having inspiration to continue fighting the good fight

17/ Learning the subtle art of not giving a fuck 👍🏼

18/ Opportunities for career growth 😉

19/ Fully Booked Lifetime Discount card 😆 (And the Fully Booked cards people gifted me with 😍)

20/ Having constants. Neutrals.

21/ The courage to go to my first Pride 🌈 (Didn't march though just helped sell merch; maybe next year. #babysteps)

22/ Learning from random sources--experiences, stories, books, etc.

23/ Realizing that not all battles need to be won, some just need to be fought

24/ The reasons that make my heart skip a beat daily, occasionally #Landi2017

25/ Always having reasons to laugh

26/ Finding reasons to live; finding light amidst the darkness 

27/ Love-- the ability to give it freely, wholeheartedly, and receive it unlimited-ly (yeahpppp, that's a made up word haha)

28/ God's grace. To be given all the blessings I have received from my first day on Earth up to Day 10,220.

Three words, nine letters.

As I am wont to do every so often, I craved some alone time yesterday morning, October 11th. A break from all the craziness of the world. So I skipped the usual breakfast with office people, and had one at the nearest, most quiet, least populated coffee shop I know. FYI: I reflect best in places where the likelihood of someone, who knows me, to walk in is close to zero.

This all started with the thought that around the same time two years ago, I was at another coffee shop, along Matalino Street, reviewing for the Bar Exams. At that time, I was less than a month away from the first of four Sundays of back-to-back same-day exams. I was both dreading and wishing for NovemBAR to come. Just to get it over with.

Fast forward to two years later. I am currently a Court Attorney; doing the things I love and genuinely have passion for. Those two years went by fast--faster than what I'm used to, actually. Those two years were the most eventful two years of my life. (Maybe next to the time I learned to eat solids, speak, walk, etc., but I digress.)

Yes, I felt a roller coaster of emotions from October 2015 to October 2017. Yes, I achieved a life long dream. Yes, I got all the material things (read: sneakers) I wanted. But not all those 24 months were perfect. There were a lot of struggles and lessons learned the most painful way.

But what I am most happy and thankful for those 24 months is that I (subconsciously) used those months wisely to be closer to my life goal. Which is, ultimately, To be happy.

It may seem simple. A life contained in three words, nine letters. But juskolorde it was my most difficult goal (yet), in my entire 27-year existence.

Despite the acknowledgment that being happy was a herculean task, I realized as I reflected yesterday, that I am genuinely happy. I am definitely happier now than I was two years ago.

This realization struck me hard; so hard I had to pause and reflect for another extra hour.

My process of getting here was arduous; painful even. First, there was the difficulty of (finally!) accepting the harsh and hurtful truth that I was not happy. That I needed to do something. Anything to get out of the rut I was in. Next came the longer process of finding out what my idea of happiness is. Then, the realization that being happy will require a certain kind of selfishness on my part. To want that happiness for myself, no matter how seemingly difficult it could be for loved ones. Then came the realization that life is short, and that we shouldn't waste it on doing things we don't want to do or trying to gain the favor of people that do not matter. And lastly, having the resolve to actually take risks in pursuit of happiness. All that. 

It may seem easy, only one paragraph long; but it took roughly 20 to 25 years for all of *that* to play out for me.

Because of the difficulty I encountered getting here, I am grateful for many things. For a loving and patient family. For trustworthy and kind friends. For inspiring heartbreaks. For little victories that the Universe and God throw my way every so often, and always when I needed it most. For having the faith that all will be well; that life is not always going to be as bleak as it was then.

For not succumbing to darkness. For always, always seeing the light.

October 11 is also a celebration of a couple of things other than my personal realizations. Coincidentally these are: the birthday of my first real love, the international day of girls, and the national celebration of freedom and individuality.

Unfortunately, October 11 was also a reminder of how overwhelming darkness can be for some people. That not everyone is as blessed as I was to see the light just before I succumbed to darkness.

The uncertainty of life is scary. I agree. One hundred percent true. Even the permanency of this state of happiness I am in is uncertain. Is there a way to avoid uncertainty? In this world, no, there isn't. But is there a way to avoid stop being scared? YES, THERE IS.

I am eternally grateful to have timely discovered the way. And to realize its effects today.

So, to everyone who inspired me to want to be happy, to work towards my three-word, nine-letter life goal, and from the bottom of my happy, contented heart: Maraming salamat.

11 October 2017 was definitely a good day.  

Baka Sakali

Walang sigurado.

Life is unpredictable, is the one of the first life lessons I learned at an early age. I usually associate the Filipino phrase “Walang sigurado” (Nothing is certain) with sudden death of loved ones—my favorite aunt, my grandmother, my brother-in-heaven.

The uncertainty of life (how long or brief it is, and what happens in it) had been a stumbling block, for 23 years or for the better part of my existence. A motivation to be more careful, to keep things close to my heart, well, close to my heart, and to tread through this Universe as cautiously as I can. Surviving rather than living.

But when a close friend had a serious illness that was not in any way caused by her lifestyle, I started to doubt the way I live survive this life. I realized for the first time that, Life is short. So in 2016, I entertained the idea of veering away from my tried and tested Cautious Way™. I spent the last few days of 2016 taking this (to me, then) Big Risk that previous-me would not have taken, or even thought of. And even then, when I took that Big Risk, I still tried to control its outcome. To avoid surprises and uncertainty. Long story short, I gave up before I really tried.

After much introspection after that Big Risk and how unsuccessful my Cautious Way™ has been in bringing me closer to my ultimate life goal (i.e. To Be Happy), I had new words to live by:

Life is too short for us to do the things we don’t want to do.

This new mantra helped me see 2017 in a different light. Things I previously would not have done, tried, or said yes to, I did. Reading a self-help book for the first time, sending an application letter for a job I considered to be way out of my league, swimming (metaphorically hehe) despite not knowing how and having nearly drowned in the past, trying new things, sharing myself with more people, just to name a few.

But of all these risks, the most important and most potentially damaging or uplifting (depending on the outcome) is, sending paper planes.

Oh Wonder said to build a paper plane to float to you; I built a few more just to be sure.

I still don’t know whether it was a good idea to send those “planes” but I measure its importance by my willingness to take a leap of faith. To just go and say, Bahala na si Batman.

Yes, it is still true that nothing in life in certain (I’m still not sure whether the recipient of the planes genuinely appreciated them, or were they merely being polite, or they didn’t want the guilt of turning down someone), but at least now I have the courage to willingly take a real leap. To leave it all to fate and great timing.

Baka sakali.

I took that leap not knowing what the outcome will be. I took that leap hoping for a less heartbreaking result than what I got in 2016. I took that leap exactly 38 days ago and up to now I'm still confronted with whys and hows. Does it really take 21 days to develop a habit? Do I want you to do things by force of habit or by conscious effort? Am I doing the right thing? Or is it too much? I am not any closer to the answers to my questions.

But what I am sure of is this, I took that leap with the hope that it will bring me closer to happiness only to discover that taking the leap itself made me happy.