In This Timeline, I Am Walking Away

I've given up on you many times before but somehow you always know when to make me doubt that decision. With a single act, you can make me not want to give up and keep on hoping that there's something to look forward to. And I believed you.

It's a vicious cycle. The minute I decide to go the other way, you do something that draws me back in. Whether it's a minuscule gesture that may not mean anything or means everything, or it's a grand gesture that absolutely mindfucks me in more ways than one. It's clockwork. You never do it too soon, nor too late. Just enough to make me wonder, or worse, hope, that somehow you know I was giving up and you're telling me to wait a little bit more. To be more patient--as if I was not patient for the past year and a half.

A friend once shared her go-to line when it comes to love: Run away with me or run away from me. I suggest we take this advice to heart. We cannot keep doing this. I cannot. Standing at the same place for the longest time has turned out to be more tiring than running. I'm not asking you to take the big leap forward because I know that it takes a lot of everything that you, or I, don't have right now. What I'm asking is, please let me walk away now. While I still can.

I am going in the direction that you have indirectly told me is the right path to take. I've been on this path before, don't worry. This is where I always went whenever I decide to give up on you before, and there may have been a time where I went down this road long enough--before you drew me back in again--for it to be familiar and comforting.

I have accepted the simple yet sad fact that we cannot win in every timeline. I hope that in another timeline, we're doing so much better than how we're doing now. But please know that in every timeline, I am always hoping and wishing you genuine happiness.

Fishing

For some it is a necessary skill or activity to survive. For others, it is a hobby--much like hunting game.

My attitude towards fishing has remained the same through the years: indifferent. Why fish when others can do it for you? I don't see it as a necessity or as a good hobby. I don't feel comfortable where it is done--the sea or any body of water. More importantly, I have yet to master the skill essential to fishing: swimming. To engage in fishing one must learn how to swim in order to be able to survive fishing mishaps that could lead to going overboard or drowning. Finally, I think that if I do fish, I'm afraid I won't be able to catch anything for lack of enough fish in the sea.

Like any other skill or activity, I learn by copying. So in order to be better at fishing, I observe others who're good at it. First, I surround myself with people who engage in fishing as a hobby and as a means of survival. Then, I mentally list down what is it they do that catches the fish and what is it that don't.

So far, I have a general idea what makes good fishermen good but I have yet to go fishing alone. However, I have tried fishing with other people and, so far, I haven't caught anything (yet). But I'm getting an idea where the fishes generally are and how they react/behave. Maybe, if I fish more often, I'd develop my own fishing style/technique to lure in the big catch.

I do have one question: What will I do with the fish I will catch? which inevitably leads to a lot of other questions.

Do I eat it? Eating would be barbaric and Stone Age-ish.
Do I make it my pet? I think this is even more rude than eating because it amounts to slavery.
Do I play with it? How does one exactly play with fish.
And then what happens after playing?
Do I give it away? Which makes my effort useless, I guess. Or do I catch it with the intention of letting it go eventually? As if all the fun--or at least, all the thrill--is limited to the act/process of fishing  or learning how to fish. As if the catch itself does not interest me. Maybe.

Which begs to ask a more profound question, "Why am I (interested in) fishing?"

Is it a matter of need? Is it a matter of want? Is it a matter of finding a solution to boredom? Is it a matter of trying to be 'in'--since almost everyone I know is doing it? Or is it a matter of finding something that is lacking?--as if fishing or the catch itself is the missing piece of the puzzle I call, my life.


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This blog is inspired by the indie films Go Fish, and Isda (Fable of the Fish).

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF(IE)

I got this idea from a friend who shared this link.


What's your wallpaper on your phone and/or computer?
Phone: Photo of an empty table at Little John's, Camp John Hay, Baguio.
Computer: Nerd Herd logo

When you walk into a bar, what do you typically order?
San Mig Super Dry or any free drink.

What's the one word you are guilty of using too often?
"Aysus," a Filipino word which Google can't even translate.

What is the last thing you searched for on Google?
Man crush. [For reasons, read below.] According to Urban Dictionary this is the definition of a man crush: When a straight man has a "crush" on another man, not sexual but kind of idolizing him.

Who is the last person that called or texted you?
Someone I was trying to convince to that I write well enough for them to hire me as their content writer.

What one thing drives you absolutely crazy?
Selfies. Or flashbackfriday, throwbackthursday and so on.

What is your favorite reality show?
I used to like Survivor. I was, for a time, into America's Next Top Model. 

What's the first CD you bought?
Sinosikat's first album, Sinosikat.

Who is your current man-crush?
Dianna Agron.

Pick one: kittens or puppies?
Puppies.

How about bacon or Nutella?
Nutella.

And finally: Tell us secret.
I read fan fiction. A lot.

I smell apples.

And so they met, again and again, without colliding, suspended in perpetuity like the white, trembling promise of a first kiss. An unspoken oath as old as night. 

-Heather Hogan on HG and Myka

To say that I was disheartened when Barney and Robin broke up in season 5 of How I Met Your Mother is an understatement. That was the only time I stopped watching How I Met Your Mother for 10 straight episodes. Fortunately, I am not yet as invested in Warehouse 13's Myka and Helena now as I was in Barney and Robin then. But still, I couldn't help but feel goosebumps rise on my arms whenever I watch Helena watch Myka drive away, after wishing her good luck on her "new" life.

Yes, Helena and Myka's relationship was a friendship coated with a lot of subtext. But in 14 episodes in 4 seasons, their relationship has evolved from being enemies to friends to enemies to friends to whatever it is that they have now. I read this short piece on Helena and Myka from another fan's POV. And I agree. "Instinct" is by far the best episode for Helena and Myka. Simply because: 

1. It focused on Helena. Where she is and what she is doing now after running off with the astrolabe on Mrs. Frederic's instructions. She's with Nate and Adelaide, trying to be happy with them as she lives the simple life of a lab tech and, maybe, a mother, too.

2. It showed the interaction between Helena and Myka. Helena notices something weird and immediately calls Myka for help. In short, and to not spoil anyone who hasn't watched "Instinct" yet (how could you live with yourself?!), they have one last adventure, for Adelaide's sake. 

3. It is not the end. When Barney and Robin broke up, Future Ted said they just had to let things run their course. I believed him. I always go back to these few seconds of "The Rough Patch" to hear Ted say it whenever I feel that Barney and Robin are too stubborn to make it, to assure me that they will make it; they are endgame. I had this feeling with Santana and Brittany, too. They may have broken up as a couple but I always think that when Glee ends, they will be back together because the writers (and god bless their forgetful minds) know that Santana and Brittany will always love each other the most. Like Barney and Robin, Santana and Brittany had to just let things run their course. 

I say this because I believe that no matter how subtle the Helena and Myka relationship is, it is there. We, the fans, feel it. Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly also feel it. Soon enough, the feelings will be all over the place, it cannot be contained. They have saved each other's lives countless of times. Helena said that Myka knows her the best even more than she knows herself. Whenever Pete or Artie or other people want to kill Helena (in one way or another), Myka was there to help her. When Myka ran away from the warehouse (because she feels bad for misjudging Helena), it was Helena who convinced Myka to go back and not lose hope. When the warehouse blew up, Myka flashbacked to Helena's grappler and their moments together. Myka always believes in the goodness in Helena's heart, and Helena trusts Myka.

Watching the exchange between Helena, Myka and Pete in Nate's driveway in the last minutes of "Instinct", I feel that this is another necessary diversion for Helena and Myka. A diversion that would ultimately lead them to each other. They are not perfect beings. They both have their own issues to handle (like any normal person) and they need get over in order to make them both ready for each other. Just like Barney and Robin. Just like Santana and Brittany.

To help convince you, here's a transcription and screen caps of the whole exchange in the driveway. 

Myka: Everybody seems okay.

Helena: Well, Adelaide's safe. That's the main thing. As for Nate and myself, well, who knows.

Pete: Well, good luck, ok. 'Cause I really wanna believe that there's an alternate Warehouse retirement plan. So you know get in there and book a win for all of us.

Helena: I will do my very best not to let you down.

Pete: Countin' on you.

Myka: (Laughs) So is this goodbye?

Helena: Well, I would assume not.

Myka: (Laughs) Fight for him.

Helena: I don't understand.

Myka: I was wrong when I said you weren't being true to yourself. Maybe I was just afraid of losing a friend. But caring for someone, you're obviously very good at it. So make this, make this your home.

Helena: Thank you. And you'd never lose this friend.
Myka: Good. (Laughs) So I guess I will see you around.

Helena: Until then.

Myka: Right.

Helena: Maybe just coffee next time.

Myka: Or save the world. Let's see what happens.

Notice that Myka seems to be struggling with saying goodbye to Helena. Notice that Helena is overthinking something. Pete provides the necessary buffer between the two. In the end, Myka's good unselfish side wins over, and she advises Helena to be selfish enough to want happiness for herself. To fight for what she wants, which is a home, a family. It is heartbreaking to see something break before we even get to see it whole. 

I hope in my heart of hearts that this will not be the last episode we see Helena. Considering that Warehouse 13's fifth season will be its last I hope the showrunners will have the decency to give these two a proper ending. Helena is not the kind of person that would settle for a quiet life. Myka is not the kind of person to give up on the person she loves. I hope they both have enough time in season 5 to figure it all out and see if Pete is correct. That there is life after the warehouse.

So before Helena and Myka figure this all out, I have to hold on to something to assure me, much like Future Ted did in "The Rough Patch", that it's going to be okay for Helena and Myka. And, my friends, I have found it.

Claudia: I smell apples.

Claudia telling Abigail, after fixing the warehouse's expansion problems, that she smells apples. 

Helena smelled apples when she first set foot in warehouse 12. Caturanga told her that this was a sign that the Warehouse likes her. Helena also smelled apples before the warehouse collapsed in season 3 finale because of Sykes' artifact bomb. In a way, smelling apples is akin to seeing hope for Helena. For me, referencing to that apple scene was Warehouse 13's way of telling me, assuring me, that it is not over for Helena and Myka. There is hope for Helena and Myka. This is not the end. And I'm banking on Warehouse 13's season 5, its last, to realize this hope for all Helena and Myka shippers.

If you want to read a good recap of "Instinct" and Helena and Myka's relationship click this link here.