A Hundred Ways To Say Your Name

A Hundred Ways To Say Your Name
by Tania De Rozario

I avoid speaking your name in conversation,
throwing it to the air as if it were nothing
more than an assumption of you; it is my last
mode of defence. The last item of clothing
to discard before I realise I’m naked in public.

Because they can hear it in my voice. I know.
Even in that one short syllable that means
everything and nothing; your name is as common
as you are rare. As easy as you are not.
As simple as love should be, but never is.

But when I’m alone, I tie my tongue softly
round the familiar sound, as if pronouncing
with conviction the phonetics of desire
will cause time to pause just long enough
for the earth to hear me naming my loss.

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I never speak your name because I'm afraid you'd hear me.

On wolves and walking weird

On getting an NBI clearance and getting a fcking hit!: First, the line was very looooooong. Second, I had to bribe (aka exchange money for services!) someone to get in. Third, HOW COULD MY FULL NAME GET A FCKNG HIT!!!! HOW MANY JO ANN FRANCES DACUT MADARANGs ARE THERE IN THE PHILIPPINES!!!!!

On getting a massage: That massage got to be the most personal-space-invading moment in my entire 24-year life. Yes I know it was a massage place and I should've expected to be touched but, in my defense, I did not expect the masseuse to request that I remove my shorts off. Yep. And I even gave the personal-space-invading masseuse a 25% tip.

On my weird walking: If you see me hobble around for the next few days, I'm not blaming that personal-space-invading massage (see above). The limp is equal parts because of an old knee and hip injury, unfamiliarity with running during basketball training and me putting on a lot of pounds. I hope to shed some off come Portia Ball. Wish me luck. ;)

On The Wolf of Wall Street: I get why Leo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill were nominated for an Oscar as Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor, respectively, and the movie didn't get a nod for cinematography and film editing. The movie was fine until it decided to not end, and be 3 hours long. Props to Matthew McConaughey for delivering the most-impactful-for-less-number-of-minutes not-a-cameo performance and this catchy tune.

(Photo from Paramount Pictures)

On the upside, (1) I had lunch with my mother and two brothers (I even had a brownie to bring home!), and (2) had a batchdate with, well, batch mates.

Busy day.



PS: Thank you for caring enough to read this.

Deers can hope

The deer has learned one very important lesson from the great hit-and-run of 2008: distance is the key to surviving avoiding another hit-and-run. Whenever the deer sees a bright headlight coming in its direction, the deer is quick to hide in the shadows of the forest. It hides until the headlights pass, as they normally do. The deer has perfected the art or skill of running away from headlights, regardless of their intensity or speed. This perfection has, however, made the deer complacent. It has stopped being wary of other headlights. The kind of headlights that don't meet deers head on, at the speed of light. The kind of headlights that linger.

The headlights of 2008 came at the deer with great intensity that it blinded the young deer to the point of oblivion. The headlights of 2012 came at the deer at the slowest pace possible but still managing to startle the deer because of its on-and-off nature. No matter how good the deer became at tiptoe-ing, it wasn't enough to protect the deer from getting hit.

This new headlights linger. It doesn't come at the deer at a blinding pace nor a very slow pace. It doesn't come at the deer, at all. It lingers around the deer--sometimes to the point where the deer is not aware of its existence. The headlights has lingered long enough for the deer to be at ease--comforted, even--by the headlights' presence. Oftentimes, the deer doesn't even look at this lingering headlights as a headlight--something to be afraid of--but, rather, as a friendly forest creature. Almost like another deer.

And this is how the deer found itself being struck again by headlights.

Headlights can strike unsuspecting deers from wherever, however.

The deer understands how dangerous this situation could be--another hit-and-run waiting to happen--but the deer, knowing that the headlights had already made its imprint on the deer, could only look up to the sky and hope, "Please, don't let this be another hopeless, painful hit-and-run."


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Unfortunately, other entries in the Deer Struck by Headlights series are now gone because Multiply closed down. I hope to find inspiration to continue this very interesting series here.

2013

Every year since 2007, I post a review on Multiply about the year that passed, and rate that year with stars--5 stars being the best. Sadly, Multiply closed down, and along with its closure went my reviews for 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Those reviews are forever lost but I'll continue that tradition here. 

Photo by Niko Geronimo

Recent years have taught me two things. One, life gets harder as we get older. The challenges just take on a different form. A different demon to slay. Two, there's no surefire, time-perfected way to slay these demons; we slay these demons in ways that best work for us.

This year's nastiest demon came in the form of me being nearly kicked out of law school. Regardless of the wisdom of the QPI rule and the lack of due process that aided its passage, bottom line is, I was one of the 110 students that were affected  by its implementation. Through human and divine intervention, I was one of the fortunate few who got past it, and was given a new lease on my life as a student of Malcolm Hall. I know I shouldn't look at a gift horse in the mouth and, instead, be thankful for this blessing. I am.

However, I cannot celebrate this victory because in this battle I have lost valuable comrades. Long gone were the familiar, trustworthy faces and assuring smiles that used to make classes almost enjoyable, recitations and exams survivable, and law school, in general, bearable. The effects of this loss will be felt more, I think, in 2014 and the succeeding years. Because of this, 2013 sucked big time.

On a positive note, I continued to improve on being sociable and being happy. I was able to strengthen my bond with my best friends, made new ones, turned down friendships I think were not going to last, and cut ties that needed cutting. I was able to follow (sort of) the honesty/happiness timeline I made for 2013. The results were better than I expected--this is one of the very few reasons 2013 rocked--so I will continue to go on this timeline for 2014.

Last year, I had this to say about 2013:

Finally, I hope 2013 will be a year of courage, of wanting to try new things...again.

Although 2013 was a year of courage, that courage wasn't spent trying new things but pushing my self past the harder challenges that went my way. Again, in this aspect, 2013 bombed.

Because 2013 sucked more than it rocked, I give it 3 stars. 

Like always, I hope 2014 will be a better year, which won't really take a lot considering how ugly 2013 was. But this time, I'm specifically hoping that 2014 will be the year I will be able to de-compartmentalize aspects of my life that don't need compartmentalizing; to reconcile things that I thought were impossible to reconcile.