2015

2015: What a year

Last year, I said I had a good feeling about 2015. I couldn't be more wrong. In addition to the pressures of graduation and the Bar examinations, the Universe made it more interesting by throwing in a personal shitstorm in the middle of Bar review.

Highs:

1. Graduation. Getting into the UP College of Law seemed to be impossible to a 20-year-old UPM graduate. Graduating from this institution was even harder. But with God’s grace and overwhelming support from my family and friends, I was able to get in and graduate. I was fortunate to wear the sablay for the second time, now adorned with the hard-earned UP Law tassel.

All excellent things are as difficult as they are rare.

The reality that I was able to get out of Malcolm Hall alive and with a Juris Doctor degree has not completely sunk in yet because we had to study for the Bar right after our graduation last June 2015. One thing I’m sure of is: This is, by far, the  most difficult thing I had willingly put myself through. I am relieved that it’s over. 

(Photo from one of my law school comrades, Jojo)

It would’ve been perfect if I came out victorious with my law school comrades but I did not and it saddens me everyday that reality had to burst our bubble of familiarity and comfort that late in our law school lives. But I believe everyone came out of this experience as better, more focused individuals, having known our strengths, weaknesses, priorities and goals in life.

2. This year I am thankful for new friends (in every sense of the word) for picking up the slack (read: me ha ha) when a few old friends let me down. (See personal shitstorm discussion below.) I would not have survived the craziness that is Bar review and all the shit that came with it if it weren’t for new friends, Mafi, Kyra, Katz, Chua, Ana and Hana. Thank you for accepting my brand of crazy. Air kisses. Haha.

3. Every year I am thankful for Jecy and Rich’s continued (and voluntary!) presence in my life. Bar review and the actual Bar exams in November were bearable because I had Rich with me in UST (FYI, he was also bar examinee) and we had Jecy waiting for us outside. We had sanity-check dinners on weekends I can't go home to Laguna. The reason I always appeared calm (at least, most of the time) was because I had Jecy and Rich to settle my weary (and wary) heart and mind. Thank you for understanding and supporting my basketball obsession before, during and after Bar review. Haha

Minutes after Gilas 3.0 lost to China in the FIBA Asia 2015 final.

4. Daehan Minguk Manse! God bless Song Ilkook and his wife for creating these adorable triplets and for deciding to join the Korean show, The Return of Superman. Think Keeping up with the Kardashians but with babies and toddlers!

Study breaks during Bar review were filled with discussions about the triplets...with anyone willing to listen.

5. Law School Happy Crush. #Landi2015

Lows:

1. Personal shitstorm. From July to October this year, along with the challenges of Bar review, I had to manage…well, “problematic situations” that I was not able to foresee yet has been happening under my nose all this time. I saw people for who they really are, and I was able to decide which friendships to keep and which ones are beyond saving. 

Law school has taught me the value (sometimes, the necessity) of burning bridges. This personal shitstorm reinforced that lesson, and taught me to be more discerning of the people I bring into my life.

Mars #shotsfired

A wise man (Dumbledore) in a movie (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) once said, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices." 

2. Bar Review and the Bar Exams. Because I only had four months to prepare for the Bar exams, I had to focus all my time and energy on one goal: Be at my readiest by November. Sacrifices had been made—watching TV shows religiously and blogging were the first ones to go. My Facebook account had to be deactivated. Applications on my mobile phone, erased. Inumans, postponed. Friends, ignored. Love life, delayed. (Aysus.) Distractions, minimized.

All bar examinees were expected to be prepared to answer (via a handwritten essay with 5 sentences or less per question) all kinds of questions from basic ones to the most obscure. I will not lie. It was not a walk in the park for me. I felt like a contestant on American Ninja Warrior. Sobrang hirap, ayoko nang ulitin.

Maraming salamat sa inyong lahat!

Verdict: All things considered, I give 2015, 3 out of 5 stars. This would've been an all-time low two-star year but graduation (and Happy Crush! ha ha) somehow saved the year.

The future: 2016 scares the f*** out of me.

Sometime in my early twenties I had an existential crisis. A death of a loved one raised questions such as, what I was here on this Earth for. I wondered what I wanted to achieve out of this lifetime. In the end, I decided that happiness, or being happy, should be one of my goals. I only knew the answer to the question what will make me happy after a lot of reflections and deflections. Finally knowing what I wanted out of this life and realizing all the challenges I had to overcome to be truly happy overwhelmed then-22 year old me. For happiness to appear obtainable, I reduced this seemingly insurmountable goal into an outline, a step-by-step plan. My personal Idiot's Guide to Happiness.

Long story short, I lived my life according to this plan I referred to as the Timeline. Anything that wasn’t timely, I postponed or ignored. I did everything I can to graduate on time (both undergrad and law school) because these were integral aspects of the Timeline. I was (then and now) convinced that following this Timeline was the sure-fire way to success, to my happiness starting year 2016. 

What scares me about 2016 is facing the possibility that one of the key points in my Timeline (being a lawyer) may not happen on time, and I am not sure if I can take a heartbreak of this magnitude. It’s scares me everyday.

I try to find solace in my Faith, my family and friends, and music. Recently, I discovered a song (that isn’t a worship song) that (sort of) calms me. It’s called Someone by Lucy Spraggan. 

Everyday say this to yourself, This future is for me.

You may never find the missing link

You may never paint a work of art

But you will find faith where they say it is

It's already in your heart.

You have the power in your hands

It's time now to believe

You will always have the secret

You will always have the air to breathe

Everyday say to yourself, this future is for me.

Please be good, 2016. 

My 2015 in Music

Music has always been important to me because it helps me:

1. Manage my emotions

2. Sleep, in times I couldn't 

3. Focus when studying

4. Tune out noise and other unnecessary sounds (esp. when commuting or walking)

In the past year, I used Spotify (an online music streaming application/service) extensively because downloading and sharing music using torrent has become time-consuming. I had to download songs on my desktop computer or laptop then transfer them to my iTunes on iPad and iPhone. With Spotify, I had music, literally, at my fingertips. I tried other apps like Guvera and Spinnr but their interface is confusing and their song lists were not as extensive as Spotify's--although Spotify still continue to lack a few songs I love such as 0% Interest by Jason Mraz.

By the numbers. According to Spotify's Year in Music, I listened to...

Spotify for 40,000 minutes or around 28 days!

657 different artists! 

1,826 different tracks!

My personal playlist, dubbed "astronaut food" grew to 381 songs (as I type this)! The songs ranged from Southborder's Do You Believe In Me to David Guetta's Every Chance We Get We Run.

More importantly, this year I repeatedly used music as a yardstick to measure people. I always liked people who recommend songs and albums that I end up liking. I also have greater respect for people who has good taste in music or listens to different songs, artists and genres as much (if not more than) as I do, or, at least, has a decent Spotify playlist. Using music as a way to strengthen existing friendships or to connect better with acquaintances has resulted to me listening to "new" bands such as St. Raymond, Walk the Moon, Alabama Shakes and The Submarines.

The rest of my 2015 in music can be summarized as follows.

Albums | Wish We Were by Joshua Radin was the one I listened to the most. This is an old Radin album (2006, to be exact) but this year I found it on Spotify so I unconsciously streamed it for an alarming 359 times. Chvrches' Every Open Eye and Avicii's Stories followed at numbers 2 and 3, respectively. I loved Every Open Eye so much I even bought it on iTunes! Boo you, Taylor Swift! Joshua Radin's Wax Wings (sooo goood!) and Owl City's Modern Orchestra round out my top 5 albums for 2015. 

Tracks | I've been a fan of Joshua Radin since forever (okay, since I first heard one of his songs on the TV show Scrubs) and Only You didn't impress me then. But through a friend's Spotify playlist called "Mellow Yellow" (which is a good one! Give it a try!) I re-discovered the Imogen Heap mix of Only You. I loved it so much I listened to it for 281 times! No other song on my top 5 got more than 100 streams aside from Sulat by Moonstar88 (which got 154 streams; but I blame my feelings for this. Hahaha). Clearest Blue by Chvrches, Panic Cord by Gabrielle Aplin and Samson by Regina Spektor complete my top 5. 

Artists | Unsurprisingly, I listened to Joshua Radin the most in 2015 (and probably in my lifetime, too) with 709 streams. Chvrches and Owl City follow as a distant 2nd and 3rd, respectively, with 424 and 406 streams. Walk The Moon and St. Raymond complete my top 5. 

I was surprised neither George Ezra's Budapest nor Carly Rae Jepsen's Run Away With Me did not make it to any of my Top 5 lists, considering the alarming number of times I spent putting these songs on repeat and on loop. I also expected Hillsong United's Touch the Sky to make my top 5 because I listened to it a lot during Bar review and especially in November, the Bar examinations month.

Overall, I was happy with how I spent my 2015, music-wise. I may not have read a lot of books that I wanted to try, or went to places I wanted to go (mainly because I spent a big part of 2015 working my ass off to graduate and to review for the Bar); I think I've wisely spent all the free time I could spare by listening to literally a thousand different songs! This simple fact alone makes me happy. I hope to listen to 1,826 more tracks in 2016. 

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Other music-related blog entries include:

Quintet 11: My Favorite Kind of Vampire 
wisdom teeth are out
Quintet 10: You, Me and Dianna
Quintet 9: Music is My Mistress 
Quintet 8: Music for the Eyes
Quintet 7: Something old, something new
Quintet 6: Top 10 Performances from Glee's Season 4
Quintet 5: Originals vs. Covers
Quintet 4: Radio
Quintet 3: GLEE-king out
Quintet 2: Holy Week Playlist
Quintet 1: Music to my ears

A Short Asssessment of My 25th Year on Earth

My 25th year was all about staying on track, on the road to The Timeline. It was about discipline, focus and dedication. From passing all my subjects to graduating on time, and, ultimately, preparing for and taking the Bar examinations. 

UP Law Batch 2015 had roughly four months (from what used to be six months) to prepare for the Bar exams because of the academic calendar shift. Those four months were physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It took everything we had to give and more. It reminded me of Prof. Avena's Civil Procedure class--only 10x harder. Because it was my dreams on the line. The consequences of not passing the Bar is so great, it's scary.

I may have neglected interpersonal relationships for this greater goal. I may have passed upon the opportunity to create new friendships or to build on existing ones, and chose to cling to what I already have proven to be reliable--my family, my Neutrals, my sorority sisters and a handful of law school friendships. 

In this process, I also had to let go of the relationships that have brought me nothing but heartache this past year. It was not an easy decision to make but it had to be done. There are some things in life that are beyond saving.

My 25th year was not the best, or most ideal, year of my life. I am still so far away from my life goals. But in the past year, I was forced to grow, to mature, and be a better person in just a little time. I also learned that putting myself first, above anyone, is not wrong. Because, after all, being happy is being selfish. 

I hope my 26th year will be about having enough courage. To stop being afraid of the unknown. To be more open. To be more free.

This is for you.

Today, 18 June 2015, all my grades have been entered in this thing called the CRS (it's an online portal of UP students' grades and information pertaining to class registration), which means I am one or two steps away from graduation. Finishing law school was one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  So please understand if I get uncharacteriscally emotional about it. I am not expressive by nature but I will be, this one time. 

When I try to recall what I answered as a kid when asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I always answered, 'I want to become a lawyer.' So choosing the university I will enter and the course I will take in undergrad was easy. Deciding to take the entrance examinations to different law schools was also easy. 

Studying law in UP, now, that was difficult. To describe it more accurately: It was challenging. Law school was a never-ending cycle of preparation. Everyday, you prepare for class and recitation. You prepare for examinations. You prepare for reports. You prepare for moot court. You prepare for LDs. You prepare for court hearings. You prepare yourself to get the highest or the lowest of grades. You prepare for the best, the worst and everything in between. I have endured this cycle for five years, and, I admit, it wasn't all picture-perfect. 

Law school was so damn hard I needed constant support and encouragement when the universe (or my professors ha ha ha) threw everything at me, sometimes all at once. 

I would not have survived those five years if not for the support system I had in my parents, my siblings, my neutrals, my sorority sisters, my blockmates and my friends. To name each and every one of you will take space that I don't have right now (ha ha ha) and I would rather thank you in person than here. But please know that I will be forever grateful for your help. Thank you for, knowingly or unknowingly, helping me get closer to achieving my childhood dream.

The five years I spent in Malcolm Hall were not the easiest, most fun or most enjoyable five years of my life. Thank you for making it bearable.

The journey does not end here. Finishing law school does not make me lawyer. Passing the Bar will--well, technically, it's signing the roll of attorneys. I hope that I pass the Bar exams to make you, my family and friends, proud. Only then can I proudly say that I have properly thanked you for the love all of you have given me, in one way or another, in the past twenty five years of my existence. 

Thank you, and see you on the other side. 

If deers could cover their ears

I

This deer is still the same deer struck by yesterday's headlights. It remains cautious of headlights, or any kind of light. It has prepared itself for all kinds of light--from the faintest to the most blinding kind.

This deer has found peace and comfort in its strangeness. It is rarely disturbed by passing headlights at night. 

II

The deer didn't see it coming. It was impossible. For the deer's eyes was closed--afraid of any kind of light. Rather, the deer heard it. It started as a faint sound, distinct but far away. 

The deer was curious, as it always was of new things. 

When the deer finally laid its eyes on it, the deer was, surprisingly, not afraid. You are not a headlight, and it was daylight, thought the deer.

The deer does not know what this creature is. It was neither bright and blinding, nor was it quietly approaching and often times receding. It was neither lingering. It is not a headlight. 

The only thing the deer was sure of was that this creature was loud, one of its kind. And the deer can't stop hearing.

Who knew the deer could be disturbed by things other than a headlight?

The deer is ready for anything that resembles yesterday's headlights. It is, however, unsure of new things that do not look like a headlight yet makes the deer feel like it is dealing with one--the loud kind. 

Cap ou pas cap?

Although I rarely have time to sit down and draw nowadays, drawing (and painting) has always been a source of reprieve, especially during times when everything seems to fall apart. Each work of art I've created is close to my heart. Giving a friend a painting (oil and acrylic on canvas, which took almost a month to make) when I was in high school is probably the sweetest thing I did for another person, aside from going to Dangwa to personally buy flowers for my mom on her 50th birthday when I was in college.

Recently, I had this crazy idea of giving a friend a simple card for Valentine's Day. Not to confess love but to let that person know how appreciated they are. It seemed a fun and harmless idea but as February 14 drew near, my nerves got the better of me. I still created the card but I don't plan to give it any time soon.

So here is how the card turned out.

This card is a tribute to one of my favorite movies, Jeux d'enfants (Love Me If You Dare). In the movie, Julien gave Sophie this small tin box, a gift from his sick mother, to cheer her up. As they grew older, they used this small tin box to exchange dares. With the words "cap ou pas cap?" (Are you able or not able?), they challenge each other to complete a dare the other has created. 

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Love is a scary thing. To choose to be with the person you love takes courage that not everyone has. For me, falling in love and being with that person, at this time in my life, is not only scary but also takes a lot of work and effort that I'd rather spend on other things like...becoming a lawyer. 

I made this card today with the hope that maybe next year (or the year after that) I will be able to hand this to the one I love and say, "cap ou pas cap?"