Which is more credible?

The CRS or the classcard?

Being the gc that I am, I checked my crs again, just for kicks, even after getting all my classcards. And there it was! The big "discrepancy". A good one though. =D

Sir Hey, name changed for my safety (safety talaga eh no, haha), never fails to surprise me, kahit na bakasyon. Ayos talaga 'yun. Haha. He gave me a .25 higher grade in the CRS. So, which should I believe? The uber-late CRS grade or the pen-marked classcard? I hope the CRS. ;P


-----------------

PS: Isn't it creepy to have exactly the same GWA for the 1st and 2nd sems of my second year? Oo, parehong-pareho, up to the third decimal place (hehe). Creepy. It's as if I'm functioning on auto-pilot, like Adam Sandler in Click. Haay. Iba na talaga kapag control-freak.

Pag-alis

Kung wala ka nang gustong sabihin
wag ka nang tumingin ng ganyan.
Kung bukas ako'y kalilimutan,
sana naman ngayo'y di mo na isipin ako'y tawagan.

At habang may panahon,
wag na nating hintaying lumalim pa
at masakit nang tanggapin
ang pag-alis ng iyong liwanag
na gumising sa mahabang gabi

Ika'y langit ngunit ako'y nasanay
at di kakayanin ang iyong pag-alis.

Kung wala ka nang gustong marinig,
Ako'y aalis at mananahimik.
Ang kahapong nais kong limutin
sana nama'y huwag nang manumbalik at bigyang pansin.
At habang may panahon,
wag na nating hintaying lumalim pa
at masakit nang tanggapin
ang pag-alis ng iyong liwanag
na gumising sa mahabang gabi.

Ika'y langit ngunit ako'y nasanay
at di kakayanin ang iyong pag-alis.


-Barbie Almalbis-Honasan.

Because I can't take it when you leave, I beat you to it.
I left, I gave up before you can give up on me.
Call me selfish, call me impatient, call me a coward
but don't call me manhid.
Because you are.

Days like these when I miss (think of you) you,
I have no one to talk to
(everyone seems to be busy)
and I'm sitting in front the computer screen,
who always seems to be willing to listen.

PGMA's Robert de Niro

Outwit, Outplay, Out-News?

In celebration(?) of the advent of Survivor to the Philippines, I am using its famous tagline as subtitle. Varied a little, of course.

Everywhere I look, all, I see is rice, rice, and more rice. Am not referring to the Purefoods import, the novel writer, nor the US Dept head. I'm referring to this staple food we Filipinos were born to love. This unassuming grain has taken the limelight from ZTE star witness, whistleblower Jun Lozada. It has indeed taken centerstage, so might as well blog about it.

Beyond all the facts that show the presence of the rice shortage, I think the reason behind all this hyped-up sensationalized Rice Crisis is the interest of the administration. PGMA herself. What I'm saying here is that before this so-called "crisis" the news of Lozada, Abalos, ZTE, and the million dollar commissions were at the top of the evening news. All bad press for the outgoing president. Her solution: create an issue that is bigger and can/will divert the Filipinos attention away from her, and her knight in shining surfboard, the First Gentleman.

What was the last thing I heard from the ZTE "issue"?

That Romulo Neri was using the so-called executive privilege and "protecting diplomatic relations" as reasons and justifications for not appearing in the Senate inquiry. That's bull. Why would we want to prioritize diplomatic relations when we should be concerned with regaining the people's trust and hope in the government?

In the film Wag The Dog, which we watched in our Political Science 11 class under Prof. Jalton Taguibao, the US president running for reelection was involved in an "issue" about a prostitute (Hmm, sounds familiar?) and to save his reelection bid, his "aide" (played by Robert de Niro) hyped up other news like, the US going to a non-existent, much-advertised war. 

So what's my point really? Whomever PGMA's Robert de Niro is, I congratulate him or her for succeeding in driving the people's interest's away from the ZTE anomaly.

And to Pinoys, here and abroad, wake up. See beyond that four-cornered device in your living room. See beyond the news. We are being (or trying to be) manipulated into thinking that this current president is a modern-day superhero that can alleviate us from poverty and save us from this Rice Crisis using her superpower called the NFA rice.

Let us not forget that finding a solution to the country's problems is one of her many tasks as president, and that getting commissions or signing "anomalous" deals, isn't.

Yes, we have mouths to feed, but we also have to remember that our mouths are not only for eating but for speaking as well. So speak up, and be heard.

Dear Astronaut Food

Jonathan Lethem on "astronaut food":

"Stuff in little packets that you keep lying on the shelf. Everyone has some lying around. Or, the person you imagine you might be with but you know you never really will be. The people who if you're in a relationship but you're a little bored or restless you meet them for coffee a lot and the other half in the relationship isn't really thrilled about it. Or if you're single, they're the people you're keeping on a mental list just so you don't feel like there aren't any possibilities. Friends who are more than friends but really, they are friends." (You Don't Love Me Yet)

-------------

Though people sense it at a certain level that they're your astronaut food, nobody wants to be told. Because, in a way, it bursts the bubble of thrill. Sometimes people act like they're only an astronaut food but really has hopes of something better/more. Because of the fear of rejection that in one way/degree or another, I think, we all have.


Only if everyone agrees that they're mutual astronaut food.


So to everyone who feels they are someone else's Astronaut Food, let me advise you. If you feel that you are somebody else's astronaut food, be nice to that person. He/She needs you but time, circumstances and hindrances prevent them from making you more than their astronaut food. These factors mentioned, most of the time, control this person's actions. He/She maybe helpless, and afraid to get out of the four walls of safety he/she have secured himself/herself in. Please understand that being someone's astronaut food does not make you any less important. If anything, it only means you can't be eaten (we're talking about food anyway) regularly. But you are loved, you are appreciated, you are needed. You being someone's astronaut food may appear to be a selfish decision but understand that it is not. Finally, let me remind you, dear astronaut food, the minute you sense you are someone's astronaut food, please don't deprive that person of your presence, your smile, your company. It is all that he/she is asking.


----------------------
This is why I love allusions and metaphors.

Malice in Wonderland featuring Dorian Gray

As promised, here is my blog entry on I-hope-you-don't-know-who.

Trivia/Pop quiz: What do Lewis Carroll and Oscar Wilde have in common? Um, to those literature freaks or avid "classic" book reader, maybe you know. But if you don't, Google it. (Haha, I should be paid by Google for advertising.)

I don't mean to ridicule Oscar Wilde's (nor Lewis Carroll's)

famous novel but here is my take/description on Dorian Gray:

- Before we start, the name is pronounce with a silent 'r' (like how you pronounce 't' in buffet).

- He has a fake British accent.

- He is gay, and so proud of it that he out-ed himself in our class using Young Charmides. (using PINK paper as handout at that!) -This description is supposed to come at the latter part of the list but I just can't keep myself from saying, or rather, typing it.

- He loves wearing tight shirts, cargo pants and sneakers with either a big backpack or equally big body bag.

- He is a Labor (pronounced the Filipino way) baby. He knows of flying buttresses and has done a play. (Gets?)

- He wanted his character to hit on Oedipus (or the reallife counterpart, I am not sure), in our play.

- He makes great scripts with absurd ideas and wisecrack (and I say offending) jokes.

- And, he comes in always late and . . . sweaty. (Elaine this one is for you!)

Okay, by now, you may know that this is not the real Dorian Gray as in the novel. This is the, um, contemporary version. (haha, pun and inside joke rolled into one.)

If you still don't know the answer to the pop quiz above, I'll tell you personally or, um, PM me. The matter is too delicate to discuss. (haha)

I hope, for CAS people, you won't realize who this is, because if you do, I'm in big trouble.

______________________________________

Don't get me wrong here. We (Elaine and I) love him that it hurts. Actually si Elaine lang. Blogging about him is actually her idea. Everywhere we go/turn we see something that can be attributed to/has something to do with him, from book titles to movie titles to Mr. Bean. And to commemorate his profound (!) effect on our lives, we named Tuesdays as "____ (his name here) Day" (for Elaine) and "Gay Awareness Day" for me. He is surely one colorful, ehem, manly gay man.

Google exercise, kids.

Try this. Go to Google, type "___(your name here) likes to" then search. You'll find the hits interesting and fun. Parang pseudo-split personality. Basta. Try niyo kung hindi kayo busy. =D

*Got the idea from Kuya Robert, who got it from someone. Chain, chain, chain.

Here are mine, to those who are interested:

Jo Ann likes to shoot. -at people, no. As in camera.-
Jo Ann likes to mix up craft techniques and materials in many of her projects. -Um, partly correct, haha-
Jo Ann likes to spend time with her grandchildren, to garden, to ski and to travel. -grandchildren?? Hala. To graden??? I don't have a green thumb!-
Jo Ann likes to write skating coaches at the Skating Coaches e-mail mailing list. -Ano raw?-
Jo Ann likes to dance, walk 5k, walks for charity, do water aerobics, drive her new 2004 GTO and drive her boyfriend's Harley morotcycle. -athletic!-
Jo Ann likes to go shopping with her daughters and granddaughters. -granddaughters again.-
Jo Ann likes to pick up. -People, no. Kalat siguro pwede pa.-
Jo Ann likes to play with recipes and ingredients. -Hindi ako marunong magluto, naman. Prito pwede pa. =D-
Jo Ann likes to see a photo of granny while she works on the data. -GRANNY HIT NO. 3-
Jo Ann likes to boast that she is "pointifically infallible," that she can find and correct errors in the (seemingly) most pristine of texts. -In short, mahilig pumuna. tsk.-

Korean experience

To those who take time to read my blog *thank you, by the way* you'll notice or have observed by now but refuse to comment on it, or say it directly, that I blog about, generally, serious things. Or if not, I write about a, um, simple thing then connect it to or find it's "deeper, hidden" meaning.

Pero now, since it's Easter *koneksyon??* magkukwento na lang ako.

Kahapan, black saturday, my sister, my mom and I went "dress-hunting" for my sister's graduation dress. We don't do this usually. In fact, we do it, rarely. (Si Ate lagi, haha.) Nagpunta kami around Makati/glorietta/greenbelt/PSone area, kasi she wants to. Demanding. So yun, pumunta kami, naghanap, pero after three hours, wala pa rin. =D She takes forever finding a shirt, so what will I expect with a dress.

I don't really care with the stress, endless walking and all. Kasi kumain naman kami. *Haha, patay gutom* Relatively new place, Spaghetti Factory. Sana may ganito sa Rob kasi medyo masarap yun food. Pero hindi ko macompare sa TOSH kasi, um, nakalimutan ko na ang lasa ng TOSH. haha. WHAM-baby na kasi ako. Haha.

Corny. Haha, anyway.

Sa SM, bumili ang nanay ko ng regalo para sa baptism na a-attend-an ng tatay ko *with her, of course*. Ayun, may Koreana, actually tatlo sila. Relatively, old, parang mommies andf daddy. Nakapila siya in front of me. Eh ayaw gumana ng card (as in credit card) niya, she got mad. Tas, she tried swiping it, by herself. Then, wala pa rin. she tranferred to another counter, really mad. As in nagsimulang magsalita in Korean *yun ba tawag sa language nila?* tapos directing her harsh-sounding "comments" to all the employees there who gathered to watch the "fiasco". Pinoy nga naman, haha.

So yun, sa sobrang asar ng nanay ko she said, with all the taray/catty-ness she could muster, "Speak in English they won't understand you". Ohaa. The Korean Brat stopped speaking her Korean utterances, and just talked to the cashier. Ping, score one for Flora.

'Yun lang actually ang point ng blog na 'to. Moral of the story: Don't cross my mom. Haha, joke lang. Seriously, don't shout at us Filipinos, you Koreans! You're just invading our country. Yes, my mom loves watching your countless drama series-es but that doesn't mean you have the right to be harsh, or act like stars here or as if you own our country.

Go away, aliens.

By this, I declare, Sir E, I hate Koreans. Yes, including you *if you continue to declare yourself as one*.

Surprises, Ironies and Coincidences

My eldest sister (she's the only sister I have, by the way) has been bugging me for ages to blog about her. This interest of hers in what I think of her was started by the blog I wrote on my mom. My sister felt that she "deserves" the same, well, compliment.

I've never written anything about my sister, really. Because I belive there's not much to write about (haha) or I don't think about her that often.

Ate, since you're graduating this March (you should, of course!), I'm writing about you, finally.
----------------------------------------------

Just as I was wallowing myself in self-pity (i.e. ranting to myself how freaking weak I am in terms of "expression", figuratively-speaking), my sister gets hold-upped (?) for the second time. (This happened last week, I think.)

What was surprising about this, then, if its the second time? Answers: 1) She has been hold-up-free for three-sems-in-a-row, and 2) she thought that she was going to graduate from such "fates" as well; 3) she was utterly clueless (she didn't whip out her phone and texted away, like she always does); 4) her, ehem, companion had a relatively new (read: expensive) phone; and 5) she was ironically asking for a new-er one upon graduation.

Flashback: My sister, whose name is Jane by the way, when compared to me and my younger brothers, is the most materialistic. I'm not saying she's dense or whatever. I'm just saying that she gets attached to things too much. To cite an example, she keeps all her English and Science (her favorite subjects, apparently) notebooks from Grade Three to college! She's that sentimental. To add, she keeps (or kept) a whole bouquet of roses instead of just one petal or a stalk; she keeps all the letters and notes she has received since her first letter, whether random or important, she keeps them all.

So I know that when she loses something, even just a hanky, she gets pained. I often spite her because of this "attachment" but she just dismisses me with a sarcastic "Nye."

And just as she was retelling the New Hold-Up Story (hehe) for the nth time, she started "devising" theories or observations to explain the occurrence of the incident, and answer the age-old question "Why me?". Her most "credible" theory is that: All the phones that my father gave her for her birthday gets stolen or robbed. My counter-theory: She gets robbed or hold-upped when she's with a guy. I mean, she's always with someone but in both situations, she's with a guy, ehem, companion. Talk about coincidence.

To say that she was affected with the "demise" of her phone is an understatement. This incident sort of "triggered" the other fears she have been feeling and trying to fight, within herself. Coincidence? I think not. God wanted her to realize that such material things are, well, immaterial because they come and go; they lose or depreciate in value.

To cut a long and emotional story short (haha, sorry Ate), she was, um, rocked to her core. She started feeling down and started asking us (my mom and me) why she is always the victim of such harsh crimes even if she prays, a lot. The talk even reached to the point that she didn't want to walk on stage anymore when she graduates.

Being the positive-thinker that my mom is, she told Ate that she should rather be thankful that no further harm was done. She wasn't hurt, scathed or worse killed. But still, my sister is bothered. Add to her existing woes, she's a little worried with the upcoming nursing board exams. Yes, it is still months away. But as early as January, I think, she has been worried. She's afraid to fail, literally and figuratively. She is afraid to fail the exams, and in turn, fail my parents and relatives, and a whole lot of people who expects a lot from her. (You know being panganay and all.)

But, Ate, failing is not entirely failure. In fact, it strengthens one's character. And if you do fail, though with God's grace you won't, Mama and the whole family is here to support you, defend you. Even Limboy.

I'll stop before it gets mushier.

I'll end this by quoting a passage from Hebrews 11, "Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see." Have faith that with God's grace and your hardwork, you will pass. Not only this exam (and others as well) but other more important, harder tests in life.

And I do hope you'll realize that you are, in more ways than one, blessed.


(Happy graduation, Ate. Love you. Naks naman, mushy.)

Of the many things I learned from Socio...

the lesson last Thursday was the one made me say, "Aray," and kept me thinking about it, and of me, days after. Even up to now.

It is highly unusual for me to remember a thing, moreso a lesson, until weekend. Yes I am GC, according to lots of people, and masipag to the point that makes others envious or "hate" me, but I rarely value/ponder on an "academic" bit of information if not needed.

But my Socio professor, as usual, got me thinking. Our class under him is every Thursdays from 5:30-8:30 pm.Yes, PM. Still, he keeps me awake all thoughout the whole thing. As in, three hours straight. If that's not enough to convince how good he is, he discusses things that are about Sociology but in the end you realize that you're thinking of yourself. Reflection time.

So. What exactly did I "learn"?

In the world of postmodernism, we should accept and adapt to every new thing that comes our way. Because if we don't, the world won't wait for us. That in these changing times, we need to accept (and not judge) an individual by the character he chooses to "pose" or project to the society because that's what he wants. And no explanation should be asked, or be given. Since everything's postmodern
.
To those who don't know/observe it yet, my friends say that I am homophobic. I always have this comment on gays, in particular. Gay classmates, gay strangers, gay celebs, gay teachers, guys that I think are gay, and so on. I have this so-called fixation on judging whether this guy (usually from school) is gay or not. Whether he has both feet dangling over the edge, or just half. As if being gay was like falling off a cliff. And I get a thrill (?) upon knowing that the guy I believe to be gay is, in fact, gay. It's like hearing my brain go chi-ching! (like a cash register) upon every confirmation. It's an addition, I feel, to my prominence as a gay-guessing-individual, and I feel my gay-predicting skills improved with every guess proved right. I pride myself on having awesome gaydar.

My Socio professor's parting words to the class, as he ended, hit me. Every word. I realized that I shouldn't have these comments and what-nots on gay guys, and homosexuals in general. That I should stop being pseudo-conservative. And just accept. Accept that the world and society is changing, and if I don't learn to accept these changes, they wouldn't wait for me. I'd be left rotting in a place (with all my conservative/traditonal views) where everyone has passed, and gone forward.

Losing my qualms, reservations and homophobia (if I really have one) is hard. As always, I rely on time to help me. And for God to make me a better, non-judgmental individual that he wants me to be.

Cybersuicide

To borrow from Hamlet (I think): "To kill or not to kill, that is the question."

Last Saturday I read Pepe Diokno's article in PhilStar's Supreme fold (which, I think, is by far the BEST feature of the said paper). Yes, you guessed it right. It's on cybersuicide. I'm against plagiarism so I'm citing him. ;D

Well, cybersuicide, by the word itself, means, quite literally, killing yourself cyber-wise. It's when you DELETE all sorts of online accounts you have. Like the "biggest network" Friendster, Multiply, Facebook, LiveJournal, and even, Blogger and Wordpress. As in, everything. And to stretch it, you google yourself and try to delete every ounce of reliable information the Internet has on you. Thus, after it, you declare yourself, dead.

Pepe Diokno did the same thing because, as his article implies, he broke up with someone and just a few weeks after, he sees the girl in the arms of a "scrawny (expletives deleted) young man". And because booze and friends could not provide enough solace to forget this certain girl, he kills himself. Cyber-wise, I repeat.

But he cautions us though. That before anyone attempts to "imitate" him, and kill themselves as well, we should all think twice. Thrice, if needed. Ponder on the things that will be lost and gained with this suicide. Weigh the pros and cons.

And ask yourself, "Am I ready to die?"

We are, as I write, in times when "emo-ness" are "in" (or should I say common?). That we one becomes emotional and nearly suicidal, it's okay.

But, be prepared, because with the popularity of tons of online accounts, there will be a time, in the near-future I predict, when cybersuicide will be the "in" thing. People will just be bored of connecting and publishing themselves online, and decide, unabashedly, that it is time. Time to end their life. Or . . . regain it.

Wow: serious and funny aspects of the elections

Having read a couple (actually more than a couple) of blog entries on the upcoming UPManila elections, I was, in a way, "encouraged" to write my views. *Gasp* Finally I get to write, or have the courage to write, about this thing they call the "elections".

We, the students of the University, are fond of seeing the wrong and/or the bad in the current status of Philippine politics. Moreso during elections. With the corruption, deception and all. But, let us look at ourselves. In the University nowadays, since the elections is just a week ahead, polliticking is evident. Like issues of smear campaigns, black propagandas, and others.

Another "issue" that bugs me is that the candidates are just, basically, unknowns. With exception to the likes of Mr. Go, Ms. Deligente, and some other incumbents, everyone else is, really, newbies. Yes, I know they say being a "newbie" is good because it gives the voters a choice, and they have "fresh and uncorrupted" minds/goals. But, I ask, is being a newbie a way of . . . pursuing one's personal interests, or his/her party's/coalition's/supporters', and just exploiting one's kagwapuhan or kagandahan to win, and well, be sikat?

With the emergence of these color-coded new candidates, I feel like they just woke up one day and decided (or was enlightened, haha) to run for whatever position they feel they would/could win. And as Kuya Reighben from our Hum1 class put it, politics in UPM is a politics of introduction, with the onset of these "new" personalities.

I have nothing against them personally. But it pains me to see these newbies, running independently or with a party, "exploiting" the people's power to vote. They use charms and porma rather than true platforms/agendas.

Tsk. What a controversial topic politics is.

**********

On a lighter note, I was amused at the witty and sometimes pathetic-sounding one-liners of the candidates.

Here are some of them. To those who know the candidates who said the following please don't take them personally. Nakakatawa lang talaga.

"Kenny's Careplan" --- This sounded like a diaper brand (to Vic) and an insurance policy (to me). ;D

"Dahil kay Kenny, ikaw ang bida." ---Hay, favorite ko na talaga 'tong si Kenny. hahah

"Dahil kay Ian Manalang, panalo ka." ---Did I get his surname right? ;D

"V for . . . " ---I forgot what Vs the candidate enumerated. Pero familiar 'yung line. 'Kala ko nga, in the end, sasabihin niya . . . Vendetta. haha. Natalie Portman!

At ang pinakabida sa lahat . . .

"Dahil kay *toot* Placido, bagay tayo." ---Ano raw? haha Masyado siyang pacute, as in with matching paawa face and tantalizing, ehem, eyes. Come on, give me a break. hahaha, sorry kuya.

Believing

A simple word can't express the amount of hate I feel.

I hate it that certain people (and this girl from LaSalle) kept urging me, Dette and Vic to join this frigging rally, walkout. Yes, I went to RH steps for grade's sake. Anthro 1 and all. But I realize that for me to "enjoy" joining this thing called the walk-out I should first and foremost believe in it. Not just believe that I will get a plus for it.

And how can I believe when the person/s, or some of them, initiating this walkout are not the ones "I look up to". Yes, Randy David was there (according to Dette, I did not see him). But really, was he my role model?

I know I will get raps, sneers and not-so-great comments behind my back because of this things that I am writing, being in UP and all. I do know my responsibility as an Iskolar ng Bayan. But I have my ways to do it. I don't do rallies or walkouts. They are not my kind of thing.

Call me whatever you want, I will stand by what I believe in. I have my ways of showing my contempt for this government they call "evil".

But really, I ask all of you who went there, do you really believe something will happen? In the event the present president is ousted, who will replace her? I'm sure whoever it is, in a few years time, another walkout will be organized to oust that person.

Ate Alj from Gabriela (though I'm not part of it, I tambay there) confronted me, weeks ago, with answer to this question. She said, "Kung sino pa ang tinatanong mo ikaw ang may problema. Dahil ang tanong na dapat ay ano." She then told me all about this transition council that they were planning in the event the President is ousted.

But I still stand my ground. Not only by way of rallies or walkouts can we express our contempt for whomever/opinion on whatever issue. I believe there are ways, peaceful ways . . .

Call me a functionalist or a control freak or whatever for believing and wanting peace and order (to some this is status quo) all the time.

Then, so be it.

Better be tragic than a martyr

The misconception about tragedy (as in drama) is that it is a sad play with an unhappy ending. But judging from its Greek root words tragos and aeiedein it means, literally "song of the goat". FYI: The goat is/was sacred tp Dionysus, the god of wine and feritility, in whose name were the early festivals of song and dance, out of which drama grew.

To cut a long story short, tragedy is an assertion of the fundamental greatness of man; the individual's ability to rise to the heights of human dignity in the face of antagonistic force/s which he knows will finally destroy him.

The point of tragedy is that the protagonist, when faced with the inevitability of the fact that the forces arrayed against him are to cause his literal or figurative death, can and will rise to the occassion and assert his magnificence as a human being, defying the force/s and bringing him at bay or destorying them with himself. There is no possibility of escape because after the balance of forces comes an absolute finality.

So, in many ways, tragedy is not really saddening and depressing in the accident or catastrophe sort of way. And the irony here is that proof of human greatness comes only in death. And every tragic protagonist has this tragic flaw (usually hubris or excessive pride) which makes him "human" and is the cause of his destruction.

The difference between a martyr and a tragic protagonist (or tragic person, in short) is that the martyr dies for a particular cause, and his death implies that something comes after making the suffering and death worth the pain. And lastly, martyr while asserting his cause may consciously seek death. While a tragic person has every reason to live, and makes a heroic struggle to survive in the face of overwhelming odds. And only in death does the tragic grandeur emerge. And his death is a profound loss to humanity.


So there: You choose. Are you tragic or a martyr?

Well, I guess I'd rather live and die while fighting for something I believe in. But, then again, things are easier said than done. And the true answer, for each and every one, is known only when he (or she) is put in a situation which calls for the decision that will change his/her life, forever. I just hope that when we do decide, we won't regret.

This fear of regret though is what makes me, and I guess a lot of people as well, linger at the crossroads too much. Not wanting to take/choose a path too quickly for the fear of regret and failure. Choosing to be surrounded by these safe walls that we have made for ourselves.

I just wish I had the right amount of courage to move my feet wherever I want to, which way I choose because standing at a crossroad for too long is tiring and takes its toll.

Cummings and goings

i have found what you are like
by e.e. cummings


i have found what you are like
the rain,

(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind and
swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness

deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned

newfragile yellows

lurch and.press

-in the woods
which
stutter
and

sing


And the coolness of your smile is
stirringofbirds between my arms; but
i should rather than anything
have (almost when hugeness
will shut quietly) almost,
your kiss

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This is my memorized version of e.e. cummings' poem that I used for my Hum1 oral poetry reading/discussion/exam(!) I tried to have the patented pa-Stariray effect using rainstorm soundeffects but the plan backfired. My Silently Terrifying Professor said, "Can you please turn that off?" Oh god. So I turned the iPod off in the most unaffected manner that I can muster at that moment. But inside, it affected my speaking drive--whatever was left of it.

Then, as I was done explaining the "hidden meanings" of the said poem, my Silently Terrifying Professor stood up and said (after I sat back into my seat) that (my rough translation) "For us to appreciate the beauty of a flower, we do not need to rip it apart."

As I took my seat, I asked my seatmate, "Ano? Kamusta? (How was I?)"
She replied with a smile, "You ripped apart the flower."

Oh. Dear. God.

At the Crossroads

Everyday we are confronted with decision-making between what is right and what is wrong, between what is good and what is bad.

In Christ's Sermon of the Mount, He speaks of another decision he wants us to make.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Matthew 7:13-14

Here, He speaks of human achievement and Divine accomplishment, two "ways" to enter the Kingdom of God. One is true and the other is deceptive. The Lord tell us to enter the narrow gate with urgency, alone, and with repentance.

Alone, for salvation is based individually. You cannot be saved because you were born in a Christian family; you cannot be saved just because your father is a pastor. But rather, you are saved because you received Jesus Christ as your saviour.

But, salvation never stops at this. Once saved, as a Christian you have to manifest through your words, actions and life that you are, truly and sincerely, saved. The road to the Kingdom of God is narrow for many will try to enter and will not be able to (Luke 13:24).

Lastly, we are told to enter the narrow gate with repentance. We have to admit that self-righteousness wouldn't get us anywhere. That we can't enter His kingdom without his help. That the only way to the Kingdom of God is through Jesus Christ alone.

Everyone, let us choose the narrow gate and make a sincere effort to enter it.

Perception, prosperity and power

In Paul's letter to the Colossians:

"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth . . . And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have a great endurance and patience,"

Colossians 1: 16, 10-11



The Message:
Paul prays for the Colossians, and for Christians in general, to have Perception, Prosperity and Power. Perception to know God's will, general and specific, in/for our lives through the Word of God, the Bible. Read the Bible, everyone, and find out what God's plan is for you. Prosperity in our walk and work in Christ. In this coming year, we should all work hard and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit to tell others about Christ, for we are his ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20), and live according to His will. Power for the believers in living and glorifying the Lord. Power to help us overcome the various challenges, spiritual or otherwise, we may face in the coming year.
Overall, Paul prays for Christians to endure all the challenges and enjoy the promises God has for everyone who believes in Him.
Endure and enjoy, 2008.

--As I was looking through my youth fellowships lessons and bible study notes we had, I noticed the only pastoral message I wrote down. I remember loving and liking this message. This was Pastor Oly's New Year's message. And knowing that I wasn't the best Christian out there, nor am I the best Christian I could be.
I remember promising myself that if I ever considered having a new year's resolution, this would be it. To be the best Christian I could be, in words, thoughts, actions, feelings.

Winston Churchill once said . . .

having enemies is good because it means that you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. (I've paraphrased it, of course.)

Yes, this is true. Standing up for what you believe in or defending yourself or someone brings enemies, that's inevitable. But, on the other hand, it is not good to encourage, for a lack of a better term, yourself to have enemies or stay enemies with someone. I am not contradicting myself. Simply put, Mr. Churchill and me have different views on things. And him being the better (and older) philosopher (well, i don't consider myself as one), people tend to believe and follow what he says.

But listen. Please listen. Or rather, read on.

Forgiveness is a promise not a feeling, a friend once told me. In forgiving, you promise to forget or at least not think about other's misgivings and shortcomings always. You think first of the years of laughter, tears, shared secrets, and friendship you have or have shared before thinking of the one moment when he/she made you lose your ire. For you to be a good friend, you have to see the many good things about that person first before seeing the few bad. Now, that's true friendship.

I know that good/greatest friends are the meanest enemies. But I ask you, who refuse to forgive, didn't it cross your mind during the time you were giving him/her the cold shoulder, that it's such a waste to put your years of friendship out the window? Don't you miss him/her companionship/friendship?

I know that I should mind my own business, and that I know less (if not none) on this matter. But I've seen how great friends you all are. I hate to see such great friendships end and worse, I hate to see the best-est friends ending them. And I hate to see myself doing nothing about it.

Believe me, no one benefits from this self-waged war. All are affected. All are hurting. So I will not take sides. But rather, I'tll tell alll of you who are in a fight (now or before) . . .


Forgive, friends. Forgive.

Why I Love Rich Alvarez

 

People who know, or found out, that I love basketball wonders why I am into it. It turns I don't look like someone who is into basketball. Imagine an overweight, bespectacled bookworm liking, among other things, basketball. But of course, looks can be deceiving. Anyway, after knowing the first surprising fact about me people ask who my favorite player is. I answer, without blinking, "Rich Alvarez". Common reactions to this are: "Who the hell is he?" "What team does he play for?" and "Why him?" I often answer, politely, "He's in Red Bull [or whatever team he's part of at the moment]." But what I really wanted to say was, "You don't really like basketball enough because you don't know him!" 


Rich's main critics are, in fact, my brothers and sister. Whenever I would watch Rich's game, they would comment "Sayang lang oras mo. Matatalo rin 'yan." Or whenever they win, my brother would say, "Sus, buti malakas kakampi ni Rich." I always defended my favorite player by saying, "Defense wins the game. And Rich defended ___ [the opposing team's star player]." My brother, being the typical Pinoy fan who's more engrossed in fancy moves and high scores rather than noticing the intangible things other players, like Rich, do. Rebound, defend, run the floor, set screens, pass.

Looking back, I first liked basketball when I watched an awarding ceremony of a UAAP season. I could not remember what season was this because I was only in grade school then. I didn't know there were different seasons etc. In the awarding ceremony, I saw this tall, cute player being awarded MVP, with the sportscaster saying that he has won two in a row. What followed the ceremony was the Game 2 of that Finals series, which, unfortunately, I didn't watch because my father wanted to watch other things on TV.


Knowing that Studio 23 aired amateur basketball tournaments, I made it a point to watch out for that MVP. In the Philippine Basketball League (an amateur summer league where "smaller" teams/franchises play against each other; players who're part of the teams are usually those from collegiate leagues like the UAAP and NCAA), I saw the same guy--Mr. Cute MVP--playing power forward for a team named Fash Detergent, where the players from Ateneo's men's collegiate team played. I watched him play and liked his style. Simple yet efficient. Puts up a great defense, shows good lateral movements (in fact, his laterals were so good that he guarded Mike Cortez, a guard, during the Ateneo vs. La Salle finals) and is very down-to-earth. He never bragged about a shot he made, a move he did, and a win they achieved. I did not saw him trash talk. At best, he shows emotion by smiling or by high-fiving a teammate. In a way, he was silent but very passionate about the game.

From then on, I became a self-confessed, obsessed Rich Alvarez fan. I don't know what about him exactly that made me go--Ah that's the player I will be rooting for All. My. Life.--it just happened. Yeah I know.


Despite the up and downs of Rich's career (from a championship in the PBL before he went pro, being top pick in the PBA draft, being benched in his first game as a PBA players, being Rookie of the Year, ACL injury, wins, losses, trades, and criticisms) I still liked Rich and his ways. His career may not be what we (or maybe even he) imagined for himself but that's life, you take what you are given. Rich has taken what life had to offer; what teams had to offer. He did not care when he was benched (or at least, he did not appear to be fazed by it); he did not care if his coach used him sparingly. As I look at him at the bench, I see him eagerly cheering on his teammates, always ready if called on to play. I still like Rich as a player. And I have my collection of newspaper clippings to prove that.

The Luxury of a DVD/VCD Player

Growing up in the South (read: Laguna), my siblings and I were brought up in an conservative family setting. We ate our meals together. We ate vegetables regularly. We were reprimanded if we disobeyed house rules or didn't do what we were told. We got spanked--on the butt mostly--and every wrong deed was punished. We had study hours and TV hours. During examinations week, no one was allowed to watch TV before reviewing. We did not have cable or Internet connection. We are to be given cellphones upon reaching high school. Time spent on the telephone was limited also. It was these rules that disciplined us and helped us focus more on the more important things in life: School, studying and playing real games outside the house with our neighbors.


So when my mom bought (finally!) a DVD/VCD player, my siblings and I went crazy. We got excited at the thought of watching movies we missed or weren't allowed to see. We watched How To Lose A Guy in Ten Days, a movie I've wanted to watch since I saw its trailer. I was a big Kate Hudson fan a few years ago. The movie was hilariously funny but the plot was typical. But being a sap for romantic flicks, I liked it. More than that, I liked that I had the opportunity to watch it. This may sound crazy or creepy to most people (it's as if my siblings and I were deprived) but I appreciated how my parents wanted us to focus less on TV and more on... playing outside. 

Anyway, one movie we watched was Little Manhattan. A story about a boy's first love. Unexpectedly, I liked the movie. There were nice characters and the plot was... well, not ordinary. But the thing I liked the most about the movie was the main character Gabe (Josh Hutcherson) and Rosemary Telesco (Charlie Ray). If kids as young as they can be perceived/accepted to have romantic chemistry, they clearly had it. 

Thank god my mother decided to buy a DVD/VCD player. Hmm, what movies shall I watch next?

Lessons from Gray: A Semi-Review of "Gray Matters"

I’m such a sap for light, romance flicks. The ones that leave you feeling good about yourself or the ones that leave the viewers adoring or wishing that the lead character were they, in real life. Well, my favorite flick, Sweet November is such a film. Maybe that’s why it’s my favorite. But the ending wasn’t. In truth, I don’t really like films with bad ending (a.k.a. those which features the lead characters not ending up together). But to my surprise, I really liked the film. Charlize Theron was adorable, and the perfect choice for the character.

And just recently (actually, today), I watched an offbeat “unusual” film entitled Gray Matters, which stars Heather Graham and Tom Cavanagh, with my younger brother. They were siblings, not lovers. Tom Cavanagh, lead actor for Ed reminds me a lot of Adrien Brody. Tall and lanky with an irresistible impish smile. Anyway, Heather Graham as Gray was, like Charlize, perfect. I love Heather’s way of portraying a quirky, hot but confused gay girl.

Basically, I liked the film for three reasons. One, because it’s a light, romance flick (which what made me decide to watch in the first place). Two, it stars my now-favorite Tom Cavanagh and the guy who played the Scottish taxi driver-slash-friend of Gray. Three, because of its moral lesson. Which is: Don’t let anyone tell you what you “should” be. Simple as that. And because of this, Gray had the guts to come out... and date. Fourth, the soundtrack was awesome.

One of my most favorite scenes from the movie was when Heather and Tom were inside the elevator, talking, after Tom had “broadcast” to Heather’s whole office (using webcams and PCs) that she is (gasp) a gay. Heather was crying and telling Tom that she feared coming out because of many things like not being able to hold hands with her partner while walking down the street without being gossiped or looked at, not being able to have kids, and, basically, because she felt alone. And she stayed “straight” jut because pretending to be one was easier and less fuss than coming out.

Somehow, I related to her. Not because I am gay but maybe because sometimes in my life I act as how other people perceive or expect me to be just because going against the flow is a hassle. Sometimes when I have mood swings and I realize that I am a loser for not having any boyfriend or any suitor for that matter, I think and feel that I’ll grow old alone, which is my ultimate fear (next to losing my mom, of course). Sometimes or most of the time, I think of swinging to the other side. Or better yet, swinging both ways to have a wider range of choices. As if I had a field to choose from in the first place. 




Angsty me no likey.